In Defense of Clare
by Jacksvoiceofreason
Summary: Clare Edwards is on trial for the heinous crime of "acting out of character."  Will she be convicted?  Will justice prevail?  Will she ever get a decent wardrobe?  One fan's satirical response to the recent anti-Clare insurgency.
1. Witness for the Prosecution

**In Defense of Clare**

**Chapter 1: Witness for the Prosecution**

**A Note from the Author: This is my first foray into fan fiction. Thus far, I have kept quietly behind the scenes. However, with the recent anti-Clare campaign surging through the fandom after_ Nowhere to Run_, I felt compelled to say something. This is my response to all of those claims that Clare is lost – that she is unredeemable – that she is not good enough for Eli - that she needs a punch in the face - that she will be entirely unlikeable until she has humbled herself and apologized. Truth be told, I don't think that Clare has anything left for which to apologize. Her behavior and actions are fairly understandable given her situation. You may not like the choices she makes, and you are perfectly welcome to not like Clare. However, making her out to be a ruined character or some sort of heartless villain is, in my opinion, cuckoobananas or, at the very least, overly dramatic and unfair.**

**What follows is a parody, written in three acts. And before I get any notes claiming that Mr. Edwards would never act like this, let me state again – this is a parody. I chose Mr. Edwards to be the spokesman for the anti-Clare movement because of the delicious irony involved in such a choice. **

**Let me state also that I do not own Degrassi or its characters. I also do not own **_**Law and Order.**_

**Finally, a tip of the hat to the late, great mystery writer Agatha Christie for the title of this chapter.**

The scene opens in a crowded courtroom. The camera pans past row after row of spectators, angry and muttering under their collective breath. It focuses briefly on the judge's bench where three figures are locked in a contentious debate before it moves swiftly to focus on a small girl seated at the defendant's table. She looks tiny, bundled up in layers, as if trying to insulate herself from the hostility of the room. Her blue eyes are clouded with confusion, standing out sharply against the pale white of her face. She looks drained and exhausted. Her name is Clare Edwards, and she has been charged with a crime so heinous that she fears for her future, if convicted. She has been charged with the unforgivable crime of "acting out of character" complied with the crime of being a "totally annoying, bitchy, drama queen." This is her story. (Cue gratuitous _Law and Order_ music).

...

The courtroom was cold. Even in both her heart patterned sweater and her denim jacket, Clare could feel the goose bumps rippling over her arms, as she jolted upright in an involuntary shiver.

Her lawyer was currently in a heated discussion with the judge and the prosecutor – a discussion to which Clare wasn't privy. Instead of trying to make out the muffled arguments from the judge's bench, Clare let her eyes roam the courtroom. It was packed today. And if Clare thought that the temperature of the room was freezing, it was nothing compared to icy stares of the spectators.

"Whore," - a whispered hiss from the back of the room.

"…he is way too good for her," from her left.

"…totally ruined… unredeemable."

"apologize...selfish, selfish..."

"… so done with her. …needs a punch in the face."

Willing herself not to cry, Clare turned back to face the front of the courtroom. How did she get here? What had she done to deserve such persecution? Why did everyone hate her so much?

"It's because of Eli," she thought to herself. "Everything begins and ends with Eli." Tears pricked behind her eyes threatening to spill, but she quickly shook her head and swallowed the sob that had collected in the back of her throat. She was good at hiding her emotions. She had learned at an early age that she just had to "grin and bear it." It was selfish to show emotions – selfish, selfish, selfish. And, above all else, Clare Edwards must never be selfish.

Her lawyer strode back to the defense table, an annoyed look on his face. He leaned down in front of Clare, blocking her from the view of the spectators. "Now don't panic," he muttered softly, "but the judge is going to allow the prosecution to call you before they rest their case."

"Wait! What?" Clare whispered shrilly." They can't call me for their side. I'm the one on trial. I shouldn't even have to testify, if I don't want to. This is completely preposterous, not to mention illegal!"

"Shhh," her lawyer chastised. "Look, I brought up the legality of this maneuver over and over again. But look at who the judge is." Clare glanced up to meet the eyes of Judge Dawes – art teacher, English teacher, drama teacher, LARPing queen extraordinaire, and also, apparently, a certified judiciary official.

"Ever since _Love Roulette_, Dawes has been Eli Goldsworthy's biggest fan, " Clare's lawyer continued. "You know as well as I do that, as soon as she read the first draft of Goldsworthy's play, Dawes should have shipped him off to Sauve, if not to County General. Yet, what did Goldsworthy get? Standing ovations and ringing accolades. He can do no wrong in her eyes."

"Holy hell, I'm screwed," Clare breathed, her heartbeat racing.

"You can't think like that. You are a strong girl, Clare. You are a smart girl. If anyone can get you out of this, Clare Edwards can. Just tell the truth. Be precise. Be logical. Oh, and don't curse or take the Lord's name in vain up on the stand. The jury still thinks of you as cute, little Christian Clare in the school girl's uniform. They don't want change."

"But I'm 16 now. Everything in my life has changed since I started Degrassi," Clare argued. "Of course, I'm a different person." She shook her head violently, "Look at my hair! I don't wear glasses anymore! Hell, I even write smutty, vampire fan fiction!"

Her lawyer leaned in closer, a hard look in his eyes. "Your changes are what got you into this mess, girly. Remember that."

"The prosecution calls Clare Edwards to the stand."

Clare didn't know how she was able to stand and walk the few meters to the witness box, but somehow she found herself seated and her hand placed on the _Bible_.

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"

"I do," she whispered.

"Your honor," the prosecutor queried, "if it please the court, at this time, I would like my esteemed colleague, Randall Edwards, to take over the prosecution's case."

"Dad?" Clare choked out. She couldn't believe it.

Randall Edwards, looking refreshed- the tired lines gone from under his eyes, the tenseness of his jaw relaxed- stood and walked towards the front of the courtroom. Clare hadn't seen her father in a while – certainly not since finding out that it was his infidelity that had caused the dissolution of her parent's marriage. He looked good, as if bachelorhood agreed with him.

"Thank you, Your Honor," Mr. Edwards stated. He walked towards the witness box.

"Hey, Clarebear," he said with a wink. "You look so grown-up on the witness stand. I can't believe my baby girl is on trial. Seems like just yesterday you were playing robots with all of your nerdy friends. "

"Dad, what are you doing?" Clare hissed, leaning forward in her seat. "I haven't even seen you since the divorce, and now you are prosecuting me. How can you do this to me, Dad? I'm your daughter, or had you forgotton?"

"Oh, Clare, you silly girl," Mr. Edwards admonished, ruffling her hair, "this is exactly why you are up here on trial. You make everything about you – you, you, you," he teased, punctuating his final words by poking Clare in the nose.

"But this is about me!" Clare cried, swatting her father's hand. "I am the one on trial, and apparently you are the one trying to get me convicted." Her voice rose in pitch as her face flushed. "Not only did you abandon me after the divorce, but you are now prosecuting me?" She turned towards the judge, "Isn't there a conflict of interest here?"

"Cheese and crackers, Clare! Are you still harping on about the divorce?" Mr. Edwards droned. "Clare, don't you know that your mother and my divorce affected more than just you? Your mother was devastated – well, she was devastated before she started drinking wine with supper and making booty calls. And, truth be told, she is doing pretty well right now- what with her new marriage to Glen and all. He's definitely a looker. Say what you want about Helen, she sure knows how to catch attractive men." He paused to smugly adjust his tie. "I'm great, by the way. Sleeping with numerous women is not as exciting now that I am not committing a mortal sin, but hey, it's still sleeping with multiple women, am I right?" he asked, fist-bumping one of the male jury members.

"But I digress," Mr. Edwards continued. "Clare, you keep complaining about what the divorce has done to you. What about everyone else? What about poor Darcy in Kenya? Did you ever think about how this divorce would affect her?"

Clare opened her mouth to speak but was cut off.

"No! Clare Edwards only thinks about herself, constantly whining about her parents' divorce- and in multiple episodes, mind you." Here Mr. Edwards paused to look at the jury, "as if divorce constitutes a big deal in the Degrassi Universe!" He turned back to Clare, his eyes alight. "Were you born physically the wrong gender? Have you had to deal with OCD and a bipolar diagnosis? Have you ever been forced to sleep with a gangster and sell drugs just to keep your high school boyfriend safe? Have you, Clare Edwards, had to beg your birth mother for a new kidney and ask your alcoholic best friend buy a $20,000 prom dress in order to get off of dialysis?"

"No," Clare answered quietly. "I haven't had to deal with any of those issues."

"And yet," Mr. Edwards continued, "you expect the fans to have sympathy, even empathy, for you because your parents divorced? Surely you jest, Ms. Edwards. Surely you jest."

"But you guys were married for almost 20 years," Clare pleaded. "You taught me that divorce was a sin –that adultery was a sin. My stable, sheltered family life was one of the foundations of my character - as was my faith in what the _Bible_ teaches. Of course, I would be upset and angry to have my stability and faith unceremoniously ripped from me. Any child would, if put in my situation. I reacted normally."

"Hah! You reacted normally? Normally?" Mr. Edwards shrieked. "Is it a normal, adolescent reaction to stay out PAST curfew and get a cartilage piercing? Is it a normal reaction to dress up like some gothic punk rocker for a day – A DAY!—and get a detention? Is it a normal reaction to throw yourself at your boyfriend and offer to sleep with him? Oh ho! You didn't think I knew about that one did you, Missy? I just thank God that your boyfriend at the time was a gentleman – and by gentleman I mean a hoarder suffering from OCD who was too ashamed to show you his room." He paused breathing hard. "And really, Clare, is it a normal, adolescent reaction to be so whiney about the whole divorce – to want to stay in the family home – to not support your mother's impetuous and hasty second marriage to your boyfriend's father?"

"Um… yes," Clare stuttered. "I think all of my reactions were pretty typical reactions to the divorce. I would think that anyone who has had to watch their parents go through a divorce would be able to relate to me."

"Well, do you want to know what I think?" Mr. Edwards spit out. "I think you are incredibly annoying!"

"Dad!"

"What? It's a common fan complaint," Mr. Edwards shrugged.

"Let the record show that Ms. Edwards is whiny and annoying," Judge Dawes ordered.

"But, Judge, "Clare's lawyer interjected.

"I'm sorry," Judge Dawes apologized. "If Ms. Edwards had kept her unhappiness about the divorce to just one episode, you might be able to make a case here. But since she still complains about it, I will have to side with the prosecution."

"But I still have to live with the consequences of their divorce," Clare argued.

"Ms. Edwards, were you beat up by a gang while half of Toronto stood by watching? No! Were you tasered by your best friend so that he could impress a gang of basketball playing, French fry lovers? No! Did you have to give up your infant son so that you could play your guitar without worrying about said baby falling off the changing table! No? Then I suggest you be quiet." Judge Dawes smoothed her hair and adjusted her glasses, "Mr. Edwards, continue."

"Thank you, Your Honor. At this time, I would like to specifically address the crimes that Clare Edwards has committed against one Mr. Elijah Goldsworthy."

"Wait a minute," Clare sputtered. "Crimes I committed against Eli? Are you serious?"

"As a heart attack," Mr. Edward replied smirking. "Or should I say, as a panic attack?"

"What the heck is that supposed to mean, Dad? Are you insinuating that I am somehow responsible for Eli's mental condition?"

"Well, if the headband fits, Ms. Edwards - if the headband fits."

"That doesn't even make sense," Clare said exasperatedly.

"Actually, it is entirely apropos," Mr. Edwards explained. "I not only alluded to the infamous OJ Simpson 'glove fitting line,' but I also subtly commented on your propensity for wearing headbands that make you look like you are eight."

"Dad!"

"The truth hurts, Princess."

"Your Honor," Mr. Edwards turned to the judge, "the prosecution attests that Clare Edwards willfully, knowingly, and maliciously hurt Elijah Goldsworthy repeatedly during their three month relationship as well as in the months following their split as a couple."

"How do you plead on these counts, Ms. Edwards?" Judge Dawes queried.

"Well, I broke up with Eli because he was unstable, and I'm sure he was hurt, but I didn't do anything maliciously….."

"Ms. Edwards," the Judge sharply interrupted, "how do you plead?"

"Um… not guilty?" Clare offered, her voice uncertain.

"Mr. Edwards, the floor is yours."

"Thank you, Judge Dawes." Mr. Edwards paused, rocking back and forth on his heels. "Ms. Edwards, let's start at the beginning. How did you and Mr. Goldsworthy meet?"

"He ran over my glasses."

The courtroom erupted in oohhs and heartfelt sighs. Muffled parts of conversations could be heard.

"… so romantic…"

"…such a gentleman…"

"…wish he would have run over her instead."

Judge Dawes took off her glasses and fanned herself before calling for order.

"Ms. Edwards, did the two of you start dating right away?" Mr. Edwards continued.

"No, we were attracted to each other but also kind of annoyed by each other. Plus, Eli was still grieving his girlfriend Julia who died one to two years ago."

"What do you mean one to two years ago? When did she die?" Mr. Edwards asked, perplexed.

"It depends on which episode you watch."

"Intriguing," Mr. Edwards mused, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "So you didn't date right away. What was your relationship like in the beginning then?"

"Well," Clare reminisced, smiling for the first time since taking the stand, "at first, we were fairly antagonistic towards each other, but then Mrs. … er… Judge Dawes made us writing partners."

Judge Dawes smiled and nodded her head. "Sylvia Path and Ted Hughes," she murmured fondly.

"Why don't you make like Path and kill yourself!" screamed someone in the galley.

"He's too good for you!" screamed another.

"Imogeli forever!" screamed a third.

"Order! Order!" Judge Dawes commanded, pounding her gavel.

"So then," Mr. Edwards continued after the noise had died down, "it was a natural progression from friends to romantic partners?"

"Well, not really," Clare admitted. "After our first kiss for um…Judge Dawes' _Romeo and Juliet_ project, Eli pushed me away. He wasn't over his ex-girlfriend and was afraid of opening himself up again."

"As he should have been, Ms. Edwards. As he should have been."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Clare asked indignantly, the blood rushing to her cheeks.

"Never mind," Randall Edwards shrugged, winking at the jury. "So when did you two finally start dating?"

"Um .. well, Eli was embroiled in what I guess you could call a feud with another student."

"Are you referring to Mr. Mark Fitzgerald, formally of Degrassi, now residing in the Degrassi Bermuda Triangle?"

"Yes, with Fitz. Things got pretty bad, and, to prevent Fitz from beating the living daylights out of Adam and Eli, I set off a stink bomb."

"Does your proclivity for criminal activity know no bounds?" Mr. Edwards boomed, holding up his hands in shock.

"Dad, it was one lousy stink bomb. I served detention for it. Besides, no one except you and Simpson gave me crap about it. People loved snarky, rebellious Clare, as long as she was with Eli." She paused, a soft look on her face. "Apparently Eli also loved snarky, rebellious Clare, because it was just after this incident that he kissed me, and we made things official."

"Cute," Mr. Edwards deadpanned, rolling his eyes. "So the two of you decided to start a relationship, and everything was copasetic?"

"Actually no," Clare interjected. "Very little was ever copasetic when the two of us were together. Fitz threatened to hurt Eli and Adam if I didn't attend Vegas Night with him. So, as much as I wanted to go with Eli, I agreed to go with Fitz. Eli was furious and wanted me to spike Fitz's drink with Ipecac."

"Really the only rational response to a situation like this," Mr. Edwards mused, looking at the jury for confirmation.

"What? No! It was a completely irrational response. I refused, of course," Clare explained.

Mr. Edwards shook his head sadly.

"However, through some pretty smooth negotiations," Clare continued, "I convinced Fitz to drop the feud - I just needed Eli to apologize."

"That's preposterous! Mr. Goldsworthy apologize? For what, may I ask? It's simply absurd! It would ruin his entire character!" Mr. Edwards shouted.

"No, really, it was a great plan. But Eli just had to get in the last word. He went ahead and spiked Fitz's drink with the Ipecac, and Fitz ended up being humiliated in front of the whole school.

"Hurrah, for Mr. Goldsworthy," Mr. Edwards sang, as the courtroom exploded in applause.

"No, no. It was terrible. Fitz ended up coming at us with a knife - a KNIFE. We both could have died," Clare cried, closing her eyes at the memory.

"But you didn't," Mr. Edwards shrugged, examining a hang nail on his left hand. "Truth be told," he yawned, "it was a pretty anti- climactic episode." The spectators nodded in agreement.

"Well, we didn't get hurt," Clare affirmed, "but that was no thanks to Eli."

"Yes, yes, yes," Mr. Edwards intoned, moving his hand like a talking mouth. "But I would like to fast forward to the first real wrong you committed against Mr. Goldsworthy. Yes, I am speaking of the infamous Taco Night at the Edward's household."

"God, Dad," Clare groaned. "Do we have to bring that up? I was upset. You guys were fighting every night - horrible fighting. I thought that if I could get you both mad at me, you would at least be allied in something."

Whirling around, Mr. Edwards slammed his fist on the Jury partition. "Did you, Clare Edwards, invite Eli Goldsworthy over to dinner at our house with the willful intent of making him seem like a badass muthafucker?" he shouted.

"Dad, Eli had just finished serving a suspension for poisoning another student. He drove a hearse and listened to screamo. He made fake IDs for fun. He WAS a 'badass muthafucker', at least, by Degrassi standards. Didn't you see his character promo?"

"But, did you accuse him of skipping class with you? - of wearing black? - of having a father who was a DJ at a rock n' roll station? – of," Mr. Edward's voice boomed, "being an atheist?"

Shocked gasps spilled from the audience.

"How dare she!"

"…worst girlfriend in the world."

"Where's Rick and his gun when you need him?"

"I apologized to Eli for sabotaging him, "Clare entreated, yelling over the roar of the crowd. " And, I'd like to point out that, although I wasn't being the best girlfriend in this situation, everything I said was true."

"It makes no difference! You hurt him, Ms. Edwards. You. Hurt. Him. And then, with no regards for his feelings, you threw yourself at him."

"I... I was confused and hurt. Darcy was gone. You two weren't talking. Eli had admitted that he wasn't a huge fan of the whole purity ring thing, and I knew that he had slept with his last girlfriend. Mom kept saying that she wished she would have been more open to doing new things with you. CeCe and Bullfrog were practically begging me to sleep over. I panicked. I told him I wanted to spend the night with him. It wasn't the smartest move on my part, I admit. But nothing came of it except Eli admitting his hoarding problem to me."

"Nothing came of it, Ms. Edwards, because of the noble maturity of Mr. Goldsworthy."

"Well, if by 'noble maturity' you mean that he didn't want me to see his room, then yes," Clare clarified.

"But you didn't know about his room at that time," Mr. Edwards pointed out.

"True,"Clare admitted. "At the time, I thought he was still hung up on Julia."

"And so what if he was?" Mr. Edwards smirked. "Wouldn't it be understandable if he wasn't completely healed from such a serious loss only one to two years ago?"

"Yes," Clare cried, "completely understandable. However, if he was still in love with Julia, he wasn't ready for a relationship with me."

"But, he admitted that it wasn't about Julia. It was about his hoarding problem," Mr. Edwards said with mock patience.

"Yes he did, although his hoarding problem and OCD stemmed from his loss of Julia – so really, in hindsight, he wasn't ready for a new relationship."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Ms. Edwards. I missed the part where you attained a psychology degree," Mr. Edwards smirked snidely. "Must have been when I was," he paused to make air quotes with his fingers, "'working late.'"

"You mean," Clare raised her own fingers in air quotes "'banging your secretary'? Must have been."

"Order!" Judge Dawes shouted.

"I apologize, Your Honor, for the rudeness of my daughter," Mr. Edwards stated somberly. He glared at Clare through narrow eyes.

"I'd like to now move ahead to the time when Mark Fitzgerald came back. I believe that after his brief stint in a juvenile correctional facility, Mr. Fitzgerald tried to contact you. Is this the case?"

"Yes," Clare stated. "Actually, he wanted to talk to both me and Eli."

"Yes, but he particularly wanted to talk to you."

"He wanted me to convince Eli to talk to him," Clare interjected.

"And he wanted to share his ..ahem… 'spiritual connection' with you." Suggestive noises and wolf whistles rang out in the courtroom. Mr. Edwards leered knowingly at the jury.

"Look, Fitz claimed to have found God while incarcerated," Clare argued, waving away the cat calls. "He wanted to turn over a new leaf and wanted my and Eli's forgiveness."

"How did Mr. Goldsworthy respond to Mr. Fitzgerald's request?"

"Eli wanted nothing to do with Fitz. He didn't want to talk to him, and he didn't want me to talk to him. He claimed that Fitz was manipulating me – using my faith, which Eli referred to as 'my weakness,' to get on my good side. Eli wanted me to have nothing to do with Fitz."

"A reasonable request, considering Mr. Fitzgerald's past actions," Mr. Edwards pointed out.

"Yes, but considering the feud, Eli's past actions aren't all that admirable either." Indignant muttering filled the courtroom. "What?" Clare cried to the crowd, leaning forward in her seat, face flushed. "Eli had Fitz arrested! He poisoned him! Besides, I am my own person. Eli can't tell me with whom I can and cannot associate."

"But he was only trying to protect you, Ms. Edwards. After all, as your boyfriend, that was his job." Members of the jury nodded in agreement.

"No! No, that wasn't his job!" Clare turned to the judge, "Why does everyone think that it was Eli's job to protect me?"

Judge Dawes just smiled and fanned herself with a signed copy of "Stalker Angel."

"Anyway," Clare continued, "Eli wouldn't listen. He started being really overprotective of me- standing guard outside of the school, watching me like a hawk."

"But, Ms. Edwards, Mr. Goldsworthy had good reason to be, as you say, overprotective. Isn't it true that Mr. Fitzgerald came to your house – to OUR house- and you let him in?"

"Well, yes," Clare admitted sheepishly.

"Were your parents home?"

"No."

"Not even your father?"

"Dad, you know that you weren't there," Clare sighed in exasperation.

"And yet you still let Mr. Fitzgerald inside?"

"It was raining. Fitz was soaked. He told me he had fallen off his bike. I didn't know what to do."

"So you let a known criminal into your house when you were alone? And, to add insult to injury, you allowed him to put his wet feet on my coffee table?"

"Fitz came in. I dried his sweatshirt and made him something to eat. He told me that his older brother was abusing him. He wanted a friend – someone to support him. But I couldn't be that person for him. I couldn't do that to Eli. So I made Fitz call his priest to come and pick him up."

"Ah yes, you are referring to Father Greg, now serving tenure at Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow in the DBT. Now did all this happen before or after Mr. Goldsworthy found you and Mr. Fitzgerald together?" Mr. Edwards asked, emphasizing the last word.

"We weren't together. I was trying to help someone who needed help – like the _Bible_ teaches – like you taught me, Dad. But Eli couldn't handle it. He stormed in, guns blazing, ready for a fight."

Mr. Edwards turned and leaned on the jury box. "Ladies and gentlemen, we now come to my favorite part in this particular drama," Mr. Edwards drawled acerbically. "the part where Ms. Edwards calls Mr. Goldsworthy a 'heartless monster'." Shocked gasps spread through the courtroom like a contagion.

"Sometimes," Clare muttered. "I said he could be heartless sometimes."

"Oh, well that makes everything all better," Mr. Edwards sarcastically spit out. "The truth is, Ms. Edwards, you hurt Mr. Goldsworthy so badly that he retreated to his car and proceeded to cry - to cry, Ms. Edwards!" his voiced boomed. "There is no more tragic sight than an attractive, teenage boy crying. Ask any Degrassi fan."

"I apologized," Clare tearfully admitted. "He was just so fragile and intense. And we were going through a really tough time." She turned to the jury, "Eli was writing this gothic horror story about a stalker going after a girl that had so many parallels to what we were going through with Fitz. And Eli was being so possessive, it just scared me." She shuttered at the memory. "I later found out that, in Eli's story, the protagonist ends up slitting his girlfriend's throat and drinking her blood so that they will always be together."

"What a beautifully romantic story," Mr. Edwards said sincerely. "What a lucky girl you were to have such a sensitive, romantic boyfriend." The crowd of spectators undulated with nods of affirmation.

"Not really my idea of romance," Clare stated flatly. "And Eli said the story was all about me. How creepy is that?"

"Are you asking me, Ms. Edwards? Are you asking the spectators? Because I would bet my TV law degree and my broken, gold watch that no person in here would find Eli Goldsworthy's story the least bit creepy. He's the perfect boyfriend, after all. Have you not seen his smirk? His guitar pick necklace? Have you not seen his skull pillow cases? But, to get back to the matter at hand, when you found Mr. Goldsworthy crying in his car, did you make him a promise, Ms. Edwards?"

"I was trying to comfort him. He was crying and was so self-deprecating. He was desperately afraid of losing me."

"Did you or did you not make him a promise, Ms. Edwards?"

"Yes," Clare whispered.

"And what did you promise him?"

"He was afraid that I was slipping away. He begged me to promise not to leave him," Clare stated, her voice faltering.

"And what did you say?"

"I agreed. I just wanted him to calm down- to be OK."

"Oh! So you had no intention of keeping your promise then?" Mr. Edwards started pacing in agitation in front of the jury box.

"Dad, I was fifteen and in my first real relationship. My emotionally unstable boyfriend was crying and begging me to never leave him. I wanted to comfort him, and I had no intention of leaving him at that moment. What would you have me do?"

"Oh …I don't know, Clarebear, perhaps keep your promise." He stopped abruptly, bringing his hand to his head, as if a thought had just struck him. "Or, I have a good one, maybe you shouldn't make promises that you can't keep." Applause filled the courtroom.

"Damn straight!" called a voice in the back.

"Preach it!" called another.

"Oh, I see," Clare replied red-faced. "You mean that if I promise to 'love, honor, and cherish' a person for 'all the days of my life' I should keep that promise?"

Mr. Edwards stopped his frantic pacing and gaped at Clare. "Your Honor, do I have permission to treat this witness as a hostile witness?" he queried, his face flushed.

"Oh, you want to see hostile, Dad? Just wait!" Clare spit out.

"Order! Order!" Judge Dawes commanded. "The witness will remember that she is the one on trial here, not her father."

"Thank you, Your Honor," Mr. Edwards stated, barely able to hold on to his composure.

He took a calming breath. Turning to the jury, he lowered his voice, "I ask that you remember Ms. Edward's promise to Mr. Goldsworthy during the upcoming testimony."

He turned back to Clare. "Now, Ms. Edwards, after Mr. Fitzgerald left with Father Greg assumingly for the Degrassi Bermuda Triangle, he was no longer an issue in your relationship with Mr. Goldsworthy, is that correct?"

"Yes, but Eli never really recovered. He started becoming more clingy – wanting to spend more time with me. He was anxious all the time – moody, intense. I spoke to Adam about it."

"Ah yes, you spoke to Adam. Did you not think to speak to someone in a more professional capacity? I mean, if Mr. Goldsworthy's behavior was unpredictable and erratic, shouldn't you have spoken to a mental health professional? Although well versed in the ins and outs of _The Goon_, Mr. Torres' understanding of mental illness is basic at best."

"I didn't know what to do, Dad. I was fifteen, and, as you already pointed out, I didn't have a psychology degree. Besides, Eli's parents were around him and didn't do anything. Eli's teachers were around him, and, aside from a conversation Judge Dawes had with him about "Stalker Angel", didn't do anything. I didn't want to make Eli upset. In hindsight, I wish to God I had talked to someone. But I didn't. And I resent the implication that it's my fault that Eli had a breakdown. It's not my fault."

"Oh, I do think the lady protests too much," Mr. Edwards intoned mockingly. "Now," he cried switching focus, "let me take you to the weeks before the Spring Dance. Mr. Goldsworthy did not want to go to the dance, is that correct?"

"Yes. He thought dances were banal and pointless - although, surprisingly, he was pretty pumped to go to the prom, even as a waiter," Clare mused.

"Yes, yes. But you wanted to attend the Spring Dance, did you not Ms. Edwards?"

"Yes, I did. I had helped bring the thing about." She turned to the jury, "Because of the events of Vegas Night, Mr. Simpson and the School Board had banned all student dances. Well, there was that nightmare hour where students got to dance to some crappy song about a horse written by Sav and Jenna—but, aside from that travesty, dances were out. Alli made a deal with Simpson that, if we could raise the 10th grade math scores, we would get a dance. She and I tutored our butts off, and we earned the dance. For a brief moment, Alli and I were school heroes. I was excited to go."

"But," Mr. Edwards broke in, "Mr. Goldsworthy had other plans for you – far superior plans, if you ask any fangirl."

"Eli bought tickets to the Gothic Writing Convention and convinced my mother to let me go with him and his family," Clare patiently explained to the jury.

"Were you not excited, Ms. Edwards? Every girl dreams of attending her first Gothic Writing Convention, and to attend it with such a tall, dark, and handsome paramour – who could ask for more?"

"Seriously, Dad,… tall? Have you been going on my fan fiction account and reading Degrassi fan fiction again?"

She turned to the jury, "It was a sweet gesture," she said uncomfortably. "But I wasn't really excited. I still wasn't entirely comfortable around Eli—he kept wanting to lock us in a room together to write - and spending a weekend together at a horror convention was a little much for me. Besides, as stupid as it was to him, I wanted to go to the dance." Clare sighed tiredly, "However, I agreed to go to the convention with him. I didn't want to hurt his feelings."

"But you didn't end up going, did you, Ms. Edwards?"

"No, "Clare shifted nervously. "Like I said, things between us were strained and awkward. Eli kept needing more and more from me, and I just wanted space. I talked to Alli and showed her 'Stalker Angel', and she was concerned that I was getting myself in too deep."

"I see what you did there, Ms. Edwards," Judge Dawes interjected with a wink.

"Anyway," Clare continued, "I figured out that the weekend of the convention and the dance was the one year slash two year anniversary weekend of Julia's death. Things started making sense – Eli's clinginess, his intensity, his moodiness. I had always felt that he wasn't completely over Julia and now I had proof. I knew that he needed to deal with his demons – his issues—before we could ever have a successful relationship. So I told him that we needed to take a short break – that I needed some space."

"In other words, you broke up with him and left him devastated," Mr. Edwards cried in triumph.

"No, No! I didn't break up with him. I just pointed out the fact that he still needed to deal with his issues surrounding Julia – they were at the root of his instability and his hoarding. I also admitted that he was suffocating me, and I begged him for some space."

"What a remarkably selfish request, Ms. Edwards. Have you no sense of charity – no Christian compassion?"

"Dad, I was in an unhealthy relationship. I couldn't help Eli. I couldn't be there for him like he wanted me to be."

"Whatever, Clare," Mr. Edwards shrugged acidly. "So did he give you this space you so coldly and heartlessly requested?"

"He told me he would. But then, as he was grabbing his backpack out of the back of the hearse, I saw that he had brought a shotgun to school." She paused here as the sound of crickets filled the courtroom.

"I said that Eli brought a GUN to school."

Someone in the back of the room yawned loudly.

"Well, it freaked me out!" she cried vehemently. "He had been acting so strangely and was so unpredictable. I was worried that he would do something he would regret; so I called his dad."

"The ultimate betrayal!" Mr. Edwards pounced.

"No! Bullfrog was glad that I called. If some other student had seen the gun and told Mr. Simpson, Eli would have been expelled. Eli cornered me later and told me he had just forgotten to unload the gun from the car after a hunting trip. However, we now know that this wasn't true. He had used it to shoot a picture of his ex-girlfriend because he thought it was Julia's fault that I had asked for space."

"A perfectly rational reaction to the situation," Mr. Edwards stated.

"Well, if that's the case, then I'm just grateful that he didn't blame me," Clare quipped. The crowd emitted angry gasps.

Quieting down the angry crowd with a wave of his hand, Mr. Edwards continued. "Mr. Goldsworthy then asked you again to attend the convention with him. What did you reply?"

"I didn't," Clare admitted. "After the gun incident, I was scared. I didn't want to piss Eli off or upset him in any way. I just kept quiet. He said that, if I decided to come with him, I should show up at our bench at 9:00."

"But you never did show up, Ms. Edwards. He waited and waited for you, growing more agitated and handsome by the minute. And yet, you didn't even have the decency to call and tell him you weren't coming. Instead you went to the dance and enjoyed yourself."

"Actually, I didn't enjoy myself. I was worried sick about him. But I knew that, if I called him, he would guilt me into coming with him, and I really needed some distance from him. I needed to process the train wreck that our relationship was becoming. I needed to figure things out. He called me later on that night, yelling at me and telling me that I had ripped his heart out." She turned to the jury imploringly, "I went to a school dance instead of meeting him at our bench, and he accused me of RIPPING his heart out. I knew then that I had to get myself out of the relationship. I told him that we needed to break-up."

"Actually, Ms. Edwards, I think your exact words were, 'Spring is a time of renewal and rebirth – not us!' What could have compelled you to speak so harshly and maliciously to Mr. Goldsworthy? What had the poor boy ever done to you for you to so cruelly malign him?"

"Seriously, Dad? Seriously?" She turned back to the jury to continue telling her story. "Eli had convinced himself that all we needed was a few days in the hearse and all of our problems would be solved. He wouldn't listen to reason. I was trying to break through to him so I told him that I hated the hearse."

Angry gasps abounded. One woman in an "I Love Morty" t-shirt had to be restrained, as she charged the witness stand.

"And what was Mr. Goldsworthy's response to this?"

"He said that he loved me and that he would get rid of the hearse." Clare closed her eyes and took a shaky breath. "So he drove it into a wall."

"A noble gesture made by a man in love," Mr. Edwards proclaimed admiringly.

"No!" Clare shouted. "I'm so sick of this! It wasn't a noble gesture! It didn't show how much he loved me! It showed how sick and unstable he was!"

"Potato – potahto," Mr. Edwards replied with a wink and a shrug. "Later on that night, you met Mr. Goldsworthy at the hospital. What transpired?"

"Um … he was pretty hurt," Clare described in a shaky voice. "His leg was broken, and he was really cut up. He was holding on to a battered copy of 'Stalker Angel.'" She paused to collect herself. "The relief on his face when he saw me almost broke my heart. I asked him what had happened, and he told me that he had purposely crashed the hearse. When I argued that he could have died, he said it worth it because I had come."

Clare wiped her eyes with a trembling hand and turned towards the jury box. "I don't know if you have ever had an out of body experience. But in that moment, time stood still. I saw my future with Eli – always worrying that I would say the wrong thing and find him in the hospital; always worrying about which Eli I was going to get - the sweet one or the one who was so intense and angry he made me physically sick to my stomach. I saw myself miserable but too afraid to leave him – afraid of what he would do to himself. In that moment, I knew. I knew I had to leave. I had to protect myself. I couldn't help Eli, and, if I stayed, I would end up destroying myself. I left him," Clare stated in a tremulous voice. "I left him, and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. But, you know what? To this day, it is the thing I am most proud of doing."

"Leaving him was your proudest moment?" Mr. Edwards spit out. "Clarebear, you really are a heartless bitch."

"Dad!"

"I call 'em like I see 'em, Princess," he replied, cocking his finger like a gun and pointing it at Clare.

Clare gaped at him, open-mouthed.

Mr. Edwards went on, "So, if I may recap, you broke your promise to Mr. Goldsworthy. You promised that you would never leave him, and, at the first sign of trouble, you left."

"It wasn't the first sign of trouble. It wasn't even the hundredth sign of trouble," Clare said tiredly. "And I made that promise when I was fifteen and under emotional duress. I stuck by Eli as long as I could, Dad. If I had stayed, he wouldn't have become magically better. And I would have lost myself. I had to think about myself. I had to, Dad."

"A touching excuse - but an excuse all the same," Mr. Edwards smirked, pretending to wipe a tear from his eye. "Now, after leaving Mr. Goldsworthy a broken shell of a man, you returned to the dance, didn't you?"

Clare ran her fingers through her bangs nervously. "I did."

"Your ex-boyfriend is lying in a hospital bed after crashing his car into a wall for YOU, and you go back to the dance. What, were all the bars closed? Wonderland shut down for remodeling?"

"I know it seems cold," Clare implored, a red flush creeping up her face. "But I think…I think I just wanted to finally assert myself. I had wanted to go to the dance. Eli had mocked the dance. Eli had convinced me to go to the convention instead of the dance. Eli's instability had prevented me from enjoying the dance. His accident had taken me away from the dance. I think my motivation in going back to the dance, " here she looked to the left side of the courtroom where the Degrassi writers sat, "was to finally stand up for myself – to do what I wanted to do and not what other people wanted me to do. It symbolized Clare Edwards finally standing up for Clare Edwards—putting herself first." She looked again towards the writers for affirmation, but they were too busy playing Angry Birds to even hear her.

"Oh, Clare," Mr. Edwards sighed, "for a smart girl, you really are quite an idiot. Don't you know that Clare Edwards can never put herself first and expect to have a fan base?"

Clare opened her mouth to speak but was cut off.

"Anyway, for the sake of time," Mr. Edwards went on, "let's just state that you are a cold, unfeeling bitch who loves school dances more than your amazing and completely romantic boyfriend."

"Dad!"

"Let the record show that Clare Edwards is a cold, unfeeling bitch who loves school dances more than her amazing, completely romantic, AND handsome boyfriend," Judge Dawes stated officially. "I added that last part myself," she winked at the court reporter.

"And now," Mr. Edwards turned towards the jury, "it's time for us to move into the murky waters of Season 11. The season -the prosecution will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt- in which Clare Edwards stopped being the sweet, kind, Christian school girl and became instead the corporeal incarnation of Satan, himself."

"Dad!"

"As titillating as this new direction sounds, Mr. Edwards. I think it is time for us to break for lunch," Judge Dawes interrupted. "The Caf is having a repeat Sweethearts Luncheon, and I told Coach Armstrong that I would buy him one of those giant cookies. He's still bitter about the fact that he hasn't made the opening credits after 10 years." She pounded her gavel, "Court will resume at 1:00 PM!"


	2. The Horror, the horror

**In Defense of Clare**

**Chapter 2: The Horror…the horror**

**A Note from the Author: Cheese and crackers, guys! Thanks for all of the love – and not even one "Eli rules and Clare drools" review. Color me pleasantly surprised. You all rock! Thanks for making me feel so welcome.**

**In this chapter, I tackle the beginning of Season 11 or, as many fans reproachfully call it, the Season of Cake. Never have I seen more vitriol poured out against a fictional couple than I have against Clare Edwards and Jake Martin. Honestly, I don't really understand it. I acknowledge the fact that Clare and Eli have more chemistry than Clare and Jake have. I also acknowledge the fact that there was little build up to Cake and that they started throwing around the "I love yous" pretty quickly (what? High school kids throwing around "I love yous?" – I am shocked and amazed). However, the two of them together do not offend me. They are not the twenty-first century's answer to Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun and should not be portrayed as such. **

**I get the distinct feeling that many fans who want Clare to "apologize" for her "horribly selfish actions" really want her to apologize for breaking-up with Eli and moving on to Jake. Why? She stuck with Eli as long as she could, and Jake is cute and makes her feel good. I may prefer her with Eli and hope she eventually gets back together with him, but I certainly don't think she owes me or anyone else an apology for being with Jake. Besides, it's not like they are going to be together "forever" (cue clip of Jake's terrified face). In my opinion, Cake is just a cute, high school romance. In fact, I'd be willing to bet, that if EClare had never happened and Clare had simply moved on from KC to Jake, this anti-Clare/anti-Cake hate wouldn't even be an issue. I'm not saying that Cake would be the new "it couple," but they certainly wouldn't be vilified.**

**On an entirely different matter, I mentioned in my first author's note that this parody would confine itself to three acts. However, when completed, the Cake chapter was such a behemoth that I worried about reader fatigue – it is Cake, after all. So it is now two separate chapters. I'll post Chapter 3 later on this week. I hope this doesn't cause any disappointment. What can I say? "I'm sorry I led you on."**

**A big shout out to Joseph Conrad's **_**Heart of Darkness **_**for the title of this chapter and to the anti-Cake fans whose passionate diatribes against said couple make the title delightfully apropos. **

**Oh, and I'd like to dedicate Chapter 2 to Cake - one of my very favorite bands (did you see what I did there?). Seriously, give "Love You Madly" and "Stickshifts and Safetybelts" a listen. You won't regret it. **

**Again, I do not own **_**Degrassi**_** or any of the characters associated with it. I also do not own **_**Law and Order.**_

We begin with a wide shot of the courtroom. People are milling about after a hasty lunch, their hunger satisfied but their appetite for justice unappeased. The camera focuses in on Clare Edwards, perched in the witness box, her foot tapping nervously, as she waits for the proceedings to resume. She looks terrified and totally alone. As the camera zooms in, Clare lowers her gaze to the cold, linoleum floor, afraid to make eye-contact with any of the spectators. She anxiously fingers her cross necklace, harshly twisting the delicate chain until it snaps. Startled, she stares down at the broken necklace in her hand wondering if it is an omen. Has God abandoned her too? (Cue _Law and Order_ music).

…

"All rise; the honorable Judge Claudia Dawes presiding."

"Mr. Edwards," Judge Dawes called, regally brushing stray cookie crumbs off of her robe, "you may resume."

"Thank you, Your Honor." Looking refreshed and confident after a power lunch at Little Miss Steaks, Randall Edwards approached the witness box.

"Ms. Edwards, let me take you back briefly to the night of the Spring Fling. After you heartlessly abandoned Mr. Goldsworthy at the hospital so you could presumingly 'drop it like it's hot' at the 'super exciting Degrassi dance,' you did not see nor hear from him again until classes recommenced after Spring break. Is this correct?"

"Yes," Clare replied tentatively. "I didn't try to contact him. I was just … really… scared after he crashed the hearse. He was so unstable, so intense. " She turned to the jury, eyes pleading. "But, I still honestly cared about Eli. I thought about him the entire break. I stopped myself from calling him so many times. I just … I just didn't want to run the risk of being pressured back into a relationship with him. Eli had a way of getting me to do things – things that I didn't necessarily want to do. Besides, I thought we both needed a little distance from the events before talking about them."

"So, in other words," Mr. Edwards paraphrased, "you didn't give a crap about how Mr. Goldsworthy was doing because you were too busy reliving the excitement of the Spring Fling—all that wonderful renewal and rebirth, right?"

"No! Not at all!" Clare cried. "I cared about how he was doing." She looked at the spectators, eyes blazing. "Believe it or not, I did love Eli."

Scoffs of disbelief bubbled harshly from the galley.

"I just couldn't be there for him anymore," Clare continued indignantly. "His parents needed to take over. Professionals needed to take over. I was only fifteen – I couldn't help him."

Mr. Edwards rolled his eyes dramatically. "So the next time you saw Mr. Goldsworthy was when you returned to Degrassi after Spring break?"

"Yes," Clare admitted softly.

"Did you approach him?" Mr. Edwards asked.

"Yes," Clare whispered.

"How did Mr. Goldsworthy seem to you?"

"Um…" Clare's voice cracked, "he seemed … out of it. It was like he was emotionless – zoned out. I told him I wanted to talk about things." She turned to the jury. "I figured it had been a week since the accident, and both of us had had enough distance from the break-up to talk about it. But Eli wasn't interested. He just walked away from me."

"And can you really blame him?" Mr. Edwards harshly commented.

"No," Clare admitted, biting her lip. "Look, I get that I hurt him. I get that. I wish things could have ended differently – that's what I wanted to talk to him about. But he didn't want to talk."

Oh yes," Mr. Edwards broke in, his voice sarcastically rising in pitch. "Mr. Goldsworthy didn't want to talk. So to force him into talking to you, you came up with the cruel plan to make Mr. Goldsworthy jealous using Mr. Jake Martin, isn't that correct?"

"I never had a plan. I'm not some diabolical villain," Clare argued. "I just wanted to get a response out of Eli – any response. He had been so intense during our entire relationship and then… just…nothing. We were both suffering from the trauma of the break-up. I just wanted to talk to him."

Mr. Edwards glared at Clare through narrow eyes. "Ms. Edwards, would you please tell the jury about the events that transpired at Above the Dot?"

"Um," Clare shifted nervously. "Well, a group of us was meeting at the club Above the Dot," Clare started with trepidation. "Originally, I thought that I wouldn't be able to go, since Mom had invited Glen Martin and his son, Jake, to dinner."

"Now, to be clear," Mr. Edwards interrupted, "these are the same Martins with whom we used to vacation when you and Darcy were little, correct?"

"Yes, minus Mrs. Martin. She and Glen divorced years ago."

"Oh, I thought that she had died," Mr. Edwards mused thoughtfully, "but I guess she just took off like Jenna's mother did."

"Actually, I think Jenna's mother is now deceased," Clare tentatively offered, "but I can't be entirely sure." Again she looked to the Degrassi writers for confirmation, but they had moved past Angry Birds and were now clandestinely watching "The Honey Badger" video on YouTube.

"Continue, Ms. Edwards," Mr. Edwards instructed.

"Well, Jake and I ended up going to Above the Dot. I think Mom and Glen wanted a little alone time. Mom had opened a bottle wine," Clare admitted.

"Ah, say no more," Mr. Edwards smiled knowingly, fondly caressing his empty, left hand, ring finger.

"At the time, I didn't really want to have to babysit Jake," Clare continued. "But I used him as an excuse to get out of the house by promising our parents that I would introduce him to my friends."

"And you made sure to introduce him to one friend in particular," Mr. Edwards smirked, "Mr. Eli Goldsworthy."

"I…I don't know what came over me," Clare admitted sheepishly. "I just wanted Eli to react. Just a week before this, he had crashed his car because he didn't want to lose me. And then he just didn't seem to care at all. I thought that if he saw me with Jake, maybe I could break through to him. But he didn't care. In fact, he stood there and talked to Jake while I watched from the sidelines."

"Ms. Edwards, help me to understand this," Mr. Edwards implored with mock sincerity. "YOU broke up with Mr. Goldsworthy because he was too clingy, too emotional, too intense, and then when he is unemotional and calm – when he gives you all the space you require – YOU are unhappy."

"Dad, there is a whole range of emotions between crashing a car for someone and being an unresponsive zombie," Clare tried to explain, desperation coloring her voice. "I couldn't understand how Eli could have been so passionately in love with me one minute and completely ambivalent towards me the next. I just wanted to talk to him – to talk to him about the last few weeks of our relationship - about our break-up. For once, I just wanted us to have an honest discussion."

"Yes, Ms. Edwards," Mr. Edwards broke in. "In fact you wanted to have that honest discussion so much that you didn't respect Mr. Goldsworthy when he told you he didn't want to talk to you! You wanted that honest discussion so much that you decided to start it yourself by yelling at Mr. Goldsworthy in front of a crowd! You wanted that honest discussion so much that you screamed at him, bringing up his dead girlfriend and belittling him because he had taken so long to get over her!"

"I didn't mean to belittle him," Clare pleaded, her voice thick. "That was never my intention. I just couldn't believe that he was already over me."

"Why? You were apparently over him!" Mr. Edwards bitingly accused.

"Yes, Dad, I was completely over him," Clare huffed sarcastically. "That's why I was trying to make him jealous and yelling at him in public." She turned to the jury, shame marking her face. "I know that I acted completely immaturely and that I crossed a line bringing up Julia. I apologized to Eli the next day. I promised to stay away from him, and I told him that I hoped we could be friends someday."

"How did Mr. Goldsworthy respond to such a 'heartfelt' apology?" Mr. Edwards asked derisively.

"He told me that the reason he didn't have any feelings for me anymore was because he was taking anti-anxiety medication that prevented him from feeling anything," Clare closed her eyes. "Then he walked away." She looked up at the ceiling, trying desperately not to cry.

"Oh, Clarebear, you act like you were devastated by Mr. Goldsworthy's news," Mr. Edwards sighed in annoyance. "But, in reality, by that time, you had already moved on to 'hunky', plaid-wearing Mr. Martin, had you not?"

Angry hisses emanated from the seated spectators.

"We… um…Jake and I… weren't dating at the time. No," Clare stuttered.

"Oh, so you were just sucking face?-swapping spit?-tonsil boxing?"

"Dad!"

"What? That's what the kids are calling it these days, Princess," Mr. Edwards drawled.

"We had kissed – once! That's it!" Clare cried. "Besides, I didn't do anything wrong. Eli and I had broken-up."

The courtroom buzzed indignantly.

"… jumped-up hussy…"

"… total slut... give Marisol a run for her money."

"…unforgivable…Anson was a more likable character!"

Clare leaned forward in her seat, eyes blazing. "What?" she cried, her voice cracking as she tried to yell over the crowd. "Am I not allowed to move on? Is there a mourning period I was supposed to observe? Was I supposed to join a convent—exclude myself from the sight of men?"

"Silly Clare," Mr. Edwards cooed, waving his hand and quieting the crowd. "Of course, you are not allowed to move on. You broke up EClare! You were supposed to spiral into a dark depression, realizing that your own existence is worthless without Eli Goldsworthy. Perhaps you could have developed a drinking problem and a penchant for Scandinavian literature or started self-harming, at the very least. But no, you decided to immediately 'get it on' with Jake Martin - an unforgivable course of action in anyone's book."

"Seriously?" Clare questioned skeptically.

The courtroom murmured in confirmation.

"At this time, Your Honor," Mr. Edwards stated, "I'd like to address the crimes that Clare Edwards has committed against humanity, namely her participation in a relationship known as Cake."

At the mention of Cake, waves of violent gagging and ferocious retching ascended from the crowd in a nauseating cacophony.

Stifling a dry heave, Mr. Edwards continued, "Ms. Edwards when did your illicit relationship with Mr…," unable to control his gag reflex, he put two fingers over his lips and breathed in deeply through his nose. "Um…. I apologize, Your Honor, ….Mr…. um…gah…Martin begin?"

Clare looked at him questioningly. "Well, Jake kissed me for the first time after that terrible night at Above the Dot when I had that melt down." She looked at her father's face which had taken on a definite greenish hue. "Are you OK Dad? You didn't have the Rootin' Tootin' Poutine at Little Miss Steaks for lunch, did you?"

"No, no, I'm fine," Mr. Edwards asserted weakly, burping uncomfortably. "It's just that the visual of you and Mr. Martin kissing… um… ack... turns my stomach."

"What? Why?" Clare questioned, defensiveness creeping into her tone.

"Just the thought of you two as a couple – it's—it's-repulsive," Mr. Edwards whispered.

"What's repulsive about it?" Clare cried heatedly. "Have you seen Jake? He is incredibly handsome."

"I mean nothing disparaging against Mr. Martin," Mr. Edwards admitted, glancing at the man in question who was hunched over in the first row of spectators trying to hide his face. "It's just that the two of you together are just so -revolting - especially when compared to the sublime union of you and Mr. Goldsworthy." Mr. Edwards shook his head sadly and returned to his initial line of questioning.

"So, Mr. Martin k…kis…kissed you after the events that transpired at Above the Dot. Was this the beginning of your," again he gagged, "relationship?"

"No," Clare admitted. "Jake was not a big fan of relationships. He just kissed me to prove a point."

"And what point was that?" Mr. Edwards queried, shuttering again at the image of the kiss.

"I'm not entirely sure," Clare acknowledged. "I think he was either trying to prove that I was the one who needed closure - not Eli; or that it was easy to move on; or that high school relationships didn't have to be so full of drama." She looked blankly at Jake. "I really don't know what his point was. But his kiss made me realize something."

"And what's that, Ms. Edwards?" Mr. Edwards asked bitingly.

"That maybe I didn't need to have closure, if Eli wasn't willing to give it to me. That maybe I could let go of all the drama surrounding my relationship with him. That maybe it would be possible for me to move on – to feel attracted to someone again."

"Blasphemy!" Mr. Edwards boomed. "How could you even think that?" He started pacing, running his hand through his hair in frustration. "Fans around the world were mourning the loss of EClare -gnashing their teeth and rending their garments in grief - and you thought that you could just 'move on'? You thought that you could just 'let go of all the drama'?"

He paused his frantic pacing and looked directly at Clare. "Oh, Ms. Edwards, I feel sorry for you. I really do." His voice was thick with passion and sincerity. "To think that you considered the possibility of actually having a normal, high school romance – one based on mutual attraction instead of deep, mutual connection – one based on the hormonal pull of physical desire not on the emotional pull of compassion and acceptance—one based on silly "I love yous" and suggestive comments not on promises to never leave each other and total, emotional dependence. Who do you think you are? Dave Turner?"

"I…I…," Clare stuttered.

Mr. Edwards cut her off. "But back to the matter at hand - so, in the beginning, how would you characterize the relationship between you and Mr. Martin?"

"We decided to keep it casual," Clare stated boldly, her cheeks coloring.

"Out of character! Out of character!" Mr. Edwards cried, frantically hammering his fist on the jury partition. "My daughter would never have agreed to a casual, 'friends with benefits' relationship. Never!"

"Dad, "Clare explained patiently, "I'm sorry to disappoint you, but a lot has happened to me this past year. I was an eye witness to the implosion of you and Mom's marriage." Clare tried to catch her father's eye, but he refused to meet her glance.

She took a deep breath. "I found love, for the first time," she continued, "only to have it end, both literally and figuratively, in a car wreck." She closed her eyes at the memory. "It should come as no surprise that, at the time, I didn't have a lot of faith in relationships – in love. The idea of a casual fling was really appealing. No one would get hurt. I wouldn't have to worry about permanently damaging anyone. Besides," she turned imploringly to one of the female jury members, "Jake is really cute. He made me feel attractive. He made me feel like a giddy, teenage girl, not some tortured, despondent heroine in a Chekhov play. And, what's more, Jake didn't desperately need me."

"You say that like it's a good thing, Ms. Edwards," Mr. Edwards pointed out. "Don't you know that the majority of fangirls would give their right arm to have a boyfriend who desperately needed them the way that Eli Goldsworthy needed you?"

"Um… that's worrisome on so many different levels," Clare noted in concern, looking out at the spectators.

"Moving on," Mr. Edwards continued briskly. "So you and Mr. Martin started a 'casual' relationship. How did that work out for you?"

"Well, at first, things seemed OK, once I understood where Jake was coming from. But then, the situation got a little sticky."

"How so?" Mr. Edwards inquired in a shaky voice. "And, for the love of all things holy, please don't tell me the stickiness had anything to do with bodily fluids."

"Dad! No! Gross!" Shaking her head in disbelief, Clare continued, "We had agreed to a casual relationship. But then Jake cancelled a date with Katie Matlin to hang out with me. And then," she paused shakily, "I found you and Mom's divorce papers."

Mr. Edwards looked at his daughter poignantly. "And...?" he prompted.

"I discovered that you had cheated on Mom repeatedly," Clare whispered. She cleared her throat. "All of a sudden, what Jake and I had didn't seem so casual. I didn't want to get so invested in another relationship only to have my heart broken like Mom did. So I asked Jake to leave. I told him that I couldn't be with him."

Mr. Edwards turned to the witness box, slowly clapping his hands together in a sardonic ovation. "Very good show, Ms. Edwards! Very good show!" he cried sarcastically. "But, unfortunately, this moment of clarity—this moment of good judgment- did not last long, did it?"

"I don't know what you're implying, Dad," Clare stated in exasperation. She turned to the jury, "Look, I tried to push Jake away to prove that I didn't want to be with him. I tried to be 'casual.' I even kissed Liam at Movie Night."

"Hah!" cried Mr. Edwards. "You mean Clare 'school is for learning, not for boys' Edwards kissed yet another boy?" Mr. Edwards held his hands up in fabricated shock. He turned to Clare, "Ms. Edwards, do you really expect us to believe that a fifteen year old girl who had recently gone through an intensely draining break-up and then discovered that her father's infidelity had caused her parents' divorce would have acted in such an unpredictable, extreme, and out of character manner?"

"Yes," Clare nodded with finality, embarrassed but firm. "I do."

Mr. Edwards gaped at her.

Clare turned back to the jury to continue her narrative. "At Movie Night, Jake approached me, and we talked. I told him about my father's unfaithfulness. I told him why I was too scared to start a relationship with him. I asked him if we could just be friends."

"What did he say to this request?" Mr. Edwards asked, his words dripping with mock hope.

Clare looked at Jake, sitting in the front row, his face pale. "He said that he didn't think that would work. He was … starting to have feelings for me. So, even though I was incredibly nervous to start another relationship, I told him that maybe we could just take a chance."

"Disgusting!" Mr. Edwards cried.

"Dad!"

"No, it really must be said, Clare. The fact that you started to have feelings – actual feelings- for another boy so soon after breaking-up with Mr. Goldsworthy is shameful, disgusting, and completely out of character for you."

"Dad, I know people like to think of me as wise beyond my years, but, in truth, I am really just a teenage girl. I was devastated after Eli. Jake made me feel good. He made me feel normal. He helped me to forget about the drama of my past with Eli. I felt safe with Jake. It may not have been the wisest decision to start a relationship with him, especially considering what happened next, but I don't think it was out of character."

"But you still had feelings for Mr. Goldsworthy!" Mr. Edwards shrieked. "What you and Mr. Goldsworthy shared was a love for the ages! And you tossed him aside as if he were some silly, high school crush so you could move on to the cute, new guy! I expected more from you, Clare." He moved his arm in a circular motion, encompassing the courtroom in his gesture. "We all expected more from you!"

Thunderous applause broke out from the spectators which Judge Dawes swiftly quelled with a bang of her gavel.

"Well, I'm sorry I let you down," Clare spoke tearfully, an edge to her voice. "I'm sorry that I behaved like a scared, adolescent girl. I'm sorry that after sticking by Eli through his grief over Julia; through his admission of hording; through his overprotective, intense paranoia; through his unchecked mental instability which scared me." She leaned forward in her seat, looking straight at Mr. Edwards. "The damn 'Stalker Angel' story scared me, Dad- and the gun scared the hell out of me." She paused to breathe deeply. "I'm sorry that after all of that, I couldn't stick it out with him after he **CRASHED HIS CAR** to prevent me from leaving him." She steadied her voice. "And I'm sorry that when Eli refused my offer to talk about the break-up – and yes, I know he was on medication – I moved on. You think I moved on too quickly? Well, I'm sorry I didn't check with you to see if it was OK first. I didn't know where you were, Dad. You left."

She shook her head, trying to keep her tears at bay. "You want to know why I started something with Jake? I was happy around Jake – not nervous, not scared. I didn't have to gauge his mood. I didn't have to weigh everything I wanted to say before I said it. Jake made me feel good. Jake helped me to forget. God, for once, I just wanted to do something for myself – to think about what I needed. And what I needed was to not constantly think about Eli – to not constantly worry about him. I needed to feel like a normal, fifteen year old girl again."

"Damn, Clare," Mr. Edwards mocked, "selfish much?"

"Dad!"

"But even if we accept your pitiful excuse for moving on so hastily, there is no way any right thinking, Degrassi fan could ever accept the atrocity of your relationship with Mr. Martin."

"Why, Dad? What is so horrifying about my relationship with Jake? Why do you make our relationship out to be so offensive?"

"Oh, Princess," Mr. Edward's sighed condescendingly, shaking his head. He gestured to the prosecution's table, "If I may, Judge Dawes."

Judge Dawes nodded.

Two aids for the prosecution rose and started setting up a giant projection screen. When they were finished, Mr. Edwards addressed the judge's bench.

"Your Honor, I would like to submit evidence of Ms. Edwards and Mr. Martin's repellent behavior as the People's Exhibit A."

The lights dimmed, and Clare and Jake appeared, bigger than life, on the white projector screen. They were locked in a passionate embrace, fervently kissing. The prosecution had slowed down the tape so that every smacking sound of lips colliding, every sloppy trail of saliva could be heard and seen in all its glory. Mr. Edwards had also added a background track of generic porno music, so that Clare and Jake seemed to be engaged in some sort of obscene dance to the pounding "bow, bow, chicka, bow, wow" beat.

Clare covered her eyes in shame, her cheeks burning.

The jury sat motionless, grimaces of distaste on their faces. One woman, not able to take it anymore, put her head in her lap, desperately trying not to pass out. Another took out her Rosary Beads and started silently praying for salvation.

After a few more minutes, Judge Dawes spoke. "I think we get the picture, Mr. Edwards. Please turn off that horrifying spectacle."

The projector was switched off, and the lights came back on in the courtroom. Relieved sighs erupted from the audience.

"Well, Ms. Edwards," Mr. Edwards addressed Clare, his face white and drawn, "what do you have to say for yourself now?"

"What do you want me to say, Dad?" Clare asked in embarrassment. "Jake and I were attracted to each other." She turned to gesture at Jake. "Look at him! He's amazingly hot. Maybe you haven't noticed, but we're freakin' teenagers. Hormones are literally coursing through our blood streams, as we speak. We made out. At the time, I didn't realize that I would be starring in my own amateur porn video –thanks, Dad, for that, by the way – but we really did nothing wrong. We just kissed."

"You did nothing wrong?" Mr. Edwards screeched. "How can you look at that horrifying film and say you did nothing wrong? Everything about that moment was wrong, Clare – everything! You never kissed Mr. Goldsworthy on camera like that, and you were with him for three months! Yet, you date Mr. Martin for a nanosecond, and you are all over him like white on rice!"

Mr. Edwards was breathing hard, pacing frantically back and forth. "And the kissing! Good God the kissing! It's so sloppy and desperate and loud." He turned to the jury, a pained look on his face. "I can't get it out of mind," he whispered painfully. "The images are burned into my brain."

"Dad, don't you think you are overacting just a little bit?" Clare inquired. "Jake is a good person. I am a good person. We were both single. We were attracted to each other. We kissed. It was no big deal."

"Overreacting? No big deal?" Mr. Edwards gaped. He turned to Judge Dawes, "Your honor, it is the prosecution's position that Cake is an abomination and should be treated as such. Ms. Edwards and Mr. Martin have no chemistry together, no common interests, no emotional connection, and certainly no skills in the kissing department."

"Hey!" Clare protested.

"Seriously, Clare," Mr. Edwards quipped, "you two look like a couple of chickens trying to peck each other's faces off. Now, this may be a turn on to Mr. Martin, considering his obsessive love of chicken, but let me assure you that, for the rest of us, it's just plain gross."

"Let the record show that Cake is an abomination," Judge Dawes commanded, pounding her gavel officially.

"But, your honor," Clare's lawyer objected, before being cut off by Judge Dawes.

"Save your breath, Mr. Public Defender. There is no objection in the world that could excuse the repellent display of adolescent hormones to which we have just been subjected. "

Judge Dawes paused, distaste coloring her features. "In fact," she continued, "after that nauseating exhibition, I think we could all use a small break." She pounded her gavel authoritatively. "We will take a 15 minute recess. Ladies and gentlemen, court will resume at 2:25."


	3. You Give Love a Bad Name

**In Defense of Clare**

**Chapter 3: You Give Love a Bad Name**

**A Note from the Author: Here is the second part of the Cake chronicles. In this chapter, I continue to address the actions of everyone's favorite couple, Cake – particularly their behavior in those pesky episodes **_**Don't Panic**_** and **_**Nowhere to Run**_**. **

**Really, the only issue I take with the anti-Cake contingent is the tendency of some anti-Cake fans to demonize Clare for her involvement in Cake – as if choosing the cute, easygoing boy over the handsome but intrinsically damaged and dangerous boy makes her a bad person or unforgivably selfish. Seriously, when I was 15, I was barely mature enough to keep up with my geometry homework, let alone take on the hefty, emotional baggage of a mentally unstable boyfriend.**

**As far as I can tell, the two major complaints members of the anti-Clare camp seem to have against Clare (aside from her decision to go back to the dance) are that she told Jake that she loved him in front of Eli and that she "thought about" kissing Eli to get back at Jake. Considering the mitigating circumstances surrounding each of those instances, I don't really understand why Clare's behavior is viewed as so inexcusably reprehensible. But then, that could be just me. Sigh ….perhaps I am just too "pedestrian" to grasp the enormity of Clare's "betrayal" of Eli. ; )**

**A major fist bump to the classic, New Jersey rockers Bon Jovi whose power anthem "You Give Love a Bad Name" inspired this chapter title – and by inspired I mean I shameless appropriated said song title. It's a fitting soundtrack to the saga of Cake, considering that so many fans take issue with Clare and Jake's "love" for each other, such as it is. Give the song a listen. It may surprise you. Heck, it even made Barney's "Get Psyched Mix" on **_**How I Met Your Mother**_**. You can't argue with that.**

**Once again, I do not own **_**Degrassi**_** or any of its characters. I also do not own **_**Law and Order**_**.**

The scene opens with close shot of Judge Dawes in her chambers. She is seated at her desk, head in her hands, breathing deeply. The camera pans to her glass-covered desktop. Amidst the detritus of her work day – the motions to be signed, the legal briefs to review, the Luna Bar wrapper from her hasty breakfast – stands a framed photograph. It is a photograph taken during one of her Advanced English 11 classes. In it, Clare Edwards sits, head bowed, pen poised, reviewing an essay, while her English partner, Eli Goldsworthy, looks at her, his own paper forgotten. It is a candid shot – neither party realizing that they are being watched and recorded. It tells of more innocent times – times before cars were crashed and hearts were broken.

Judge Dawes glances at the picture briefly, before standing abruptly and making her exit. The camera follows her as she strides down the hallway to the courtroom, determination marking her gait. The camera pulls back, as Dawes enters the courtroom. She barely acknowledges the crowd, all standing at attention. Pulling back her robe, she sits and reaches for her gavel. She bangs it once, twice … (Cue _Law and Order _Music).

…

"Mr. Edwards, you may continue your argument."

"Thank you, Your Honor," Mr. Edwards acknowledged.

He walked over to Clare, who had again taken her seat in the witness box. "Ms. Edwards, now that we have established that your relationship with Mr. Martin was an abomination, let's address your malicious attempt to shove said abomination in the face of Mr. Goldsworthy at every possible opportunity."

"Wait? What?" Clare cried. "I didn't purposely try to hurt Eli by being with Jake."

"Come, come, Ms. Edwards," Mr. Edwards scoffed. "You and Mr. Martin were, as you so charmingly put it, 'making out' at every opportunity – in the halls, in front of the school, in empty science classrooms. I think you traumatized that poor python for life," here he cupped his hand over his mouth and whispered to the jury, "not to mention millions of fans."

"Dad!" Clare turned to the jury box to explain. "We were affectionate," she admitted sheepishly. "Jake is a lot more physically demonstrative than Eli ever was. And, ironically, considering the strict PDA rules in place after Holly J's strip tease, school was the only place we could truly show our feelings for each other."

"Oh?" Mr. Edwards questioned, feigning ignorance. "Why was that?"

"Uh…." Clare stalled. "Well…you see…my mother and Jake's father had… started dating."

Shocked noises of revulsion filled the courtroom.

"Ms. Edwards!" Mr. Edwards admonished. "Did you not think to end your illicit relationship with Mr. Martin in the face of such shocking developments?"

"We didn't," Clare admitted, slightly embarrassed. "We decided we would keep our relationship secret instead."

"A secret relationship! For the love of all things holy! I don't know who you are, but you are certainly not my sweet, little, innocent Clarebear," Mr. Edwards intoned dramatically. "I can't believe that you would be so selfish, Clare – thinking of your own physical desires instead of your mother's happiness."

"Well, at the time, I didn't necessarily think that Mom and Glen's relationship should have taken precedence over my relationship with Jake. Besides," Clare pointed out testily, "you condemn me for moving on from Eli too quickly, but no one says anything about how quickly Mom moved on from you. Seriously," she turned to Judge Dawes, "is it even possible to get a divorce and legally remarry in the course of a few months?"

Judge Dawes simply winked at Clare and pointed to the "Whatever It Takes" banner hanging over the double doors of the courtroom.

"Back to my original argument, Ms. Edwards," Mr. Edwards redirected. "You made it your mission to hurt Mr. Goldsworthy by constantly parading your new relationship in front of his face. The poor lad was broken and hurting, innocently minding his own business, while you reveled in his pain."

"You have got to be kidding me?" Clare remarked. "Who do you think I am? Voldemort? She who must not be named?"

Jake looked up in shock, a guilty expression on his face.

"There was no mission!" Clare continued. "I didn't try to purposely hurt Eli. In fact, I tried to honor my promise and stay away from him as much as I could. To tell the truth, I didn't really want to be around him. He had gone off of his medication and was acting unpredictably again."

She locked eyes with Mr. Edwards. "And you say that Eli was** innocently** minding his own business? He was writing a play about the dissolution of our relationship! He was airing our relationship drama in front of the entire school! And what's more, at that time, he was skewing the facts in his favor – making me out to be the naïve accomplice of a religious sociopath!"

"Geeze, Clare," Mr. Edwards shrugged, "Marisol was totally right. You really are a drama queen." He continued breezily, "I honestly don't see what the big deal is. So Mr. Goldsworthy wrote a play about you? You should be honored that such a talented and handsome playwright picked you for his muse."

The girls in the audience nodded emphatically, eyes alight with longing.

Clare gaped at them, speechless.

"Now let's talk about this play – _Love Roulette_, I believe it was called." Mr. Edwards paused, a look of admiration crossing his features. "It really is such a clever title - playing off of the Vegas Night incident, while simultaneously paying homage to the volatile death wish so intrinsic to the personalities of both the play's hero and our esteemed playwright." Smiling, Mr. Edwards continued, "You were covering the production for the school paper, is that correct, Ms. Edwards?"

"Yes," Clare replied flatly.

"What a thrilling, journalistic assignment! You must have been over the moon," Mr. Edwards gushed.

"Not really," Clare said tersely.

"But, Ms. Edwards, it's not often that we mere mortals get the first-hand experience of working so closely with such a creative genius as Mr. Goldsworthy." He paused thoughtfully and looked at Clare. "Will you briefly tell the jury what the play was about?"

"Well," Clare started hesitatingly, "it went through a number of different incarnations. But basically, it was about Eli and me and the drama that was our relationship." She swallowed uncomfortably.

"How thrilling for you, Clare!" Mr. Edwards cried. "Looking back, who would have thought that such a nerdy, little girl with braces and glasses would ever have a play written about her? Certainly not me! Now a play about Darcy I could understand – but a play about denim wearing, math tutoring, boring, old, 'Middle of the Road' Clare Edwards? It boggles the mind!"

"Dad," Clare interrupted, "it wasn't a GOOD thing. This may come as a shock to you, considering that you seem to have made yourself the president of the Eli Goldsworthy Fan Club, but I really was not comfortable with my private life being dramatized in front of the entire school – especially, when the facts were skewed to meet Eli's mood."

"Bitter – party of one, your table is ready," Mr. Edwards teased, ruffling Clare's hair.

The jury tittered in response, as Clare reached up to swat Mr. Edwards' hand away.

"Really, Clare, you act like it was major offense. But in reality, YOU were the only one who ever had an issue with Mr. Goldsworthy's play, isn't that correct?"

"Well… I think…Bullfrog … Fiona …maybe Chantay?…" Clare stuttered.

"No!" Mr. Edwards broke in. "Everyone else was extremely supportive and encouraging of Mr. Goldsworthy's theatrical masterpiece. In fact, even your new boyfriend," he winced as he said the word, "Mr. Martin, joined the play's support staff, isn't that right?"

"Yes," Clare admitted. "Jake needed some extra-curriculars so he helped build sets. But then, Eli recruited him to play the part of the villain, Fritz."

"Fritz? What an interesting choice of character name," Mr. Edwards thoughtfully observed. "It reminds me of something … but what? Wait a minute; it's on the tip of my tongue …"

"Dad, please," Clare noted, rolling her eyes. She turned to the jury, "Eli picked some really original character names for his play – Clara, Ari, and Fritz the villain, who later became Jack the villain." She shook her head disapprovingly. "Notice any real-life parallels?" she asked rhetorically.

Ignoring her question, Mr. Edwards countered with his own, "Well, if Mr. Martin was playing the villain, then who was the hero of the play, Ms. Edwards?"

Clare quietly steeled herself, focusing on a spot on the back wall. "Well, like I said, the play went through many different rewrites. I think that, in the original version that Eli wrote when he first stopped taking his medication, Ari was the hero, and Clara and Fritz were the villains. Then, he rewrote it so that Clara was the hero." She paused, a soft look overcoming her features, before swallowing nervously and continuing. "But then, something happened, and Eli started basing the villainous character of Jack on Jake. In fact, Jake ended up quitting the play or being fired from it after he and Eli had a confrontation about this."

"Quitter!" Mr. Edwards hissed venomously, looking directly at Jake.

"Dad!" Clare cried. "I'm not even sure that Jake quit. Eli may have fired him. I think it was a mutually desired parting."

"Whatever, Clare," Mr. Edwards argued. "Mr. Martin left the play DAYS before the curtain went up, in a desperate attempt to sabotage the entire show. Did you see Riley's performance as Jack? He almost ruined the whole production!" Mr. Edwards shook his head passionately. "I just thank God for Chantay's committed performance!"

He took some calming breaths before continuing. "Besides, why shouldn't there be parallels between the fictional Jack and Mr. Jake Martin? They are both undeniable villains!"

"What? Dad, you have got to be kidding. Jake isn't a villain. Where do you even come up with this stuff?"

"Oh, Ms. Edwards, please keep up," Mr. Edwards instructed with mock patience. "If Mr. Martin had originally pursued Alli Bhandari - if he had started dating Katie Matlin – if he had even strung you along and then left you heart broken, he wouldn't be considered a villain. However, he chose to make his casual relationship with you into a serious one, preventing the reunification of EClare and thus becoming Public Enemy Number Two." He winked at Clare. "You, Ms. Edwards, are, of course, Public Enemy Number One."

"Fuck my life," Clare mumbled, closing her eyes in frustration and disbelief.

Her lawyer winced and shook his head at her, silently reminding her to watch her language.

Ignoring her lawyer's disapproval, Clare locked eyes with her father. "You want to know villainous behavior, Dad? What about Eli trying to get Jake expelled by planting prescription medication in Jake's locker?"

"A completely false accusation," Mr. Edwards stated superciliously. "I will remind the jury that Mr. Goldsworthy did not, in fact, plant anything. Indeed, nothing suspicious was found in Mr. Martin's locker, aside from an autographed poster of Colonel Sanders." Mr. Edwards picked up a piece of paper and waved it at Clare. "I have Officer Turner's report right here."

"That's only because Imogen offered to plant the pills for Eli! And Imogen put the pills in my locker instead of in Jake's in order to get me out of the way!" Clare cried furiously. "So I was the one who was humiliated during the locker search! I was the one who had to face Simpson!"

"But who came to your rescue, Clare?" Mr. Edwards boomed. "Mr. Simpson was ready to throw the book at you, but someone saved you. Was it Mr. Martin? Oh no! He was nowhere to be found. It must have been chicken nugget day at the Caf. No, no -it was Mr. Elijah Goldsworthy!"

"But he was to blame in the first place!" Clare cried. "Eli didn't make some noble, chivalrous gesture when he admitted to Simpson that the pills were his. They were Eli's pills! He wanted to frame Jake to get Jake out of the way. Who does that? Seriously, what kind of person would frame Jake for a crime – an actual **CRIME** -just to break us up?"

Hands around the courtroom rose confidently. Judge Dawes started to raise her own hand before catching herself and playing it off as if she were waving to someone in the back of the room.

Clare sank back in her seat in defeat.

"Ms. Edwards," Mr. Edwards redirected, "even if we consider Mr. Goldsworthy's completely justified plan to break up you and Mr. Martin, that still doesn't give you the right to say what you did to Mr. Goldsworthy?"

"What are you talking about, Dad?" Clare questioned wearily.

"I'm referring to what you said to Mr. Goldsworthy when he tried to apologize to you for the pills. Could you please tell the court what you said to him?"

Clare shook her head, bringing her hands up to massage her temples. She turned to the jury. "Eli tried to apologize for the pill fiasco. He admitted that his plan was to plant the pills on Jake to get him out of the way." She looked up at the ceiling, as if asking for strength. "Eli was still off of his medication. He was behaving erratically. I couldn't have a conversation with him that didn't end with him snapping at me or making some wild allegation. He was laboring under the delusion that the two of us were going to get back together." Clare paused and took a deep breath, bolstering herself. "I had finally had enough; so I told Eli that the two of us were never going to be together again."

Shocked gasps and deep, heartfelt laments arose from the crowd of spectators.

Mr. Edwards closed his eyes, pain coloring his features.

Judge Dawes removed her glasses, her eyes misty with unshed tears.

"Oh, Ms. Edwards," Mr. Edwards whispered hoarsely. "You have murdered hope."

Mr. Edwards paused to collect himself, holding his palms to his closed eyes, as if to stifle his tears. Taking a deep breath he continued and addressed the jury, "Is it any wonder then that Mr. Goldsworthy chose the ending he did for his dramatic masterpiece?" Mr. Edwards looked around the room at the spectators who were muted and numb in disappointment. "Is it any wonder that Mr. Goldsworthy burned his manuscript on stage? Is it any wonder that he proclaimed that there could be **NO** happy ending?"

He whirled around, turning to Clare in a rage. "You told him that you would never get back together with him! How could you do that to him? You knew he was unstable! You knew he loved you! You knew that your relationship with Mr. Martin was a sham! For once in your life, couldn't you have just sucked it up and put someone else first? Couldn't you have just reunited with Mr. Goldsworthy and saved us all this heartbreak?"

"No, Dad," Clare asserted herself shakily. "I couldn't. Eli was sick. Getting back together with him wouldn't have cured him." Her voice was strained but resolved. "In fact, if you look at it, my insistence that we would never get back together eventually caused Eli to break down and to talk to his father; and Bullfrog helped to convince Eli to go back on his medication and get further help." She steadied her voice, "It was a good thing, in the end."

"A good thing!" Mr. Edwards shrieked, his tone taking on that of a howler monkey. "You told Mr. Goldsworthy that there was no hope for EClare! You …. I… can't … I can't even look at you!" he cried in anguish, throwing up his hands in desperation.

"Mr. Edwards, do you need a minute?" Judge Dawes asked in concern.

"No thank you, Your Honor," Mr. Edwards replied tearfully. "It's just… it's just… so unfair!" His face crumpled. "I just feel so badly for Mr. Goldsworthy. I just … I just… really love him."

"We all do," Judge Dawes affirmed sadly. "We all do."

Clare dropped her face into her palms.

After a strained minute of silence, Mr. Edwards spoke. "I apologize for my emotional outburst, Your Honor. It won't happen again." He took some deep, calming breaths.

"So to recap," he continued in a shaky voice, "Ms. Edwards, you told Mr. Goldsworthy that you would never be together, and Mr. Goldsworthy, with the help of his parents, went in search of better professional help for his mental condition."

"Yes," Clare whispered tiredly.

Finding his stride again, Mr. Edwards continued. "So does this mean that you and Mr. Martin's relation … ahem!..ship," he choked on the word, "blossomed without Mr. Goldsworthy there to keep the two of you in check with his deranged but totally justified schemes?"

"I'm not sure what you mean, Dad," Clare retorted. "Jake and I definitely benefitted from the lack of drama."

"Oh really?" Mr. Edwards queried snidely. "So it was smooth sailing then, Princess?"

"Where are you going with this, Dad?" Clare questioned.

"You and your 'true love forever,' Mr. Martin, didn't have any major disputes?" Mr. Edwards inquired sarcastically.

"Not that I can remember," Clare offered perplexed.

"Hmmmm….. Do you mean to tell me, Ms. Edwards, that you and Mr. Martin didn't quibble over …. oh, let me just throw something out there …. movies?" Mr. Edwards' voice rose in pitch almost manically on the last word.

"Oh, yes," Clare remembered. "I guess we did argue about a movie. I had forgotten."

"Forgotten?" Mr. Edwards queried in disbelief. "Forgotten? Tell me, Ms. Edwards, how could you have forgotten such a serious argument? Is it not true that, in the episode entitled _Don't Panic_, you and Mr. Martin almost broke up because Mr. Martin didn't want to see a foreign film with you?"

"Um… actually, no," Clare answered. "We fought about the movie, sure. And, I'll admit I was pissed. At the time, I was having some doubts about whether Jake would stick by me when our parents found out about us dating. But we didn't almost break-up."

"How can you look at the jury and so boldly lie?" Mr. Edwards accused.

Clare opened her mouth to protest but was cut off.

"If you and Mr. Martin weren't at the precipice of a major break-up, why then was Mr. Goldsworthy so passionately intent on keeping you together? Why then did Mr. Goldsworthy befriend Mr. Martin? Why then did he build a sweat lodge with Mr. Martin on the Degrassi campus? Why then did Mr. Goldsworthy trap you and Mr. Martin in said sweat lodge and facilitate a couple's counseling session between the two of you? Why, Ms. Edwards, why?"

"I have no freakin' clue," Clare admitted. "I was completely blindsided." She turned to the jury. "Yes, Jake and I were in the middle of an argument, but it wasn't that big of a deal. Then the next thing I know, Eli and Fiona have trapped me in a sweat lodge—in a SWEAT LODGE!" She shook her head bemusedly. "I've been in a lot of crazy scenarios during my tenure at Degrassi, but the sweat lodge incident takes the cake." She grinned impishly, "No pun intended."

The courtroom groaned violently.

"Ms. Edwards," Mr. Edwards chastised. "I will caution you not to joke about something so offensively serious as Cake!" He brushed a piece of stray lint off of his collar. "To return to the sweat lodge …"

The crowd groaned again.

"I know, I know," Mr. Edwards apologized. "It's horrific. But we must face the horror if we are ever to attain justice. For," he continued, "it was in this sweat lodge that Clare Edwards committed one of her most serious crimes to date."

"What?" Clare cried. "I didn't commit a crime, unless you consider wearing a bright orange cardigan over a purple polo shirt a crime."

"Everyone considers that a crime, Princess," Mr. Edwards acknowledged, rolling his eyes. "But I am referring to the fact that, while in that sweat lodge, you told Mr. Martin that you loved him – in front of Mr. Goldsworthy!"

A mutinous cry erupted from the throng of spectators.

"… totally cruel…heartless..."

"How dare she?"

"What the fuck? You mean purple and orange aren't complementary colors?"

"Order! Order!" Judge Dawes cried, banging her gavel.

"I… I… did tell Jake that I loved him," Clare admitted awkwardly when the crowd had settled. "But I don't really know why. I felt like Eli was prompting me to say it. I mean Eli came right out and said that Jake loved me. How would he even know that?" She threw up her hands in confusion. "I really have no excuse or logical explanation for my behavior or anyone else's behavior in that episode." Clare continued sheepishly, "I don't know why Eli made it his mission to help Jake get back in my good graces. I don't know why he trapped us in a sweat lodge while he acted like some deranged Dr. Phil. I don't know why Eli told me that Jake loved me."

She took a deep breath and steeled herself, "Look, I know I told Jake that I loved him in front of Eli; and I know that that was a completely callous and insensitive thing to do. But, no one was acting in character in that damn sweat lodge. We were all half delirious with the heat. Eli was acting like his greatest desire was to see Jake and me ride off into the sunset together and live happily ever after. I guess I just played into his delusion. I can't explain it." She looked over at the writers pleadingly, but, having lost wireless reception, they were currently engaged in a heated game of Boggle, the likes of which had not been seen since Sav Bhandari and Holly J. Sinclair ruled Degrassi.

"Your Honor," Clare's lawyer interjected. "I object to any piece of evidence put forth by my opponent based on my client's behavior in the episode entitled _Don't Panic_. All parties involved were acting out of character in that episode, particularly the prosecution's darling, Mr. Elijah Goldsworthy."

"Objection sustained," Judge Dawes ruled. She turned to the jury, "Even I had a problem with _Don't Panic_," the judge admitted. "And I thought that the ending of _Love Roulette_ was totally legitimate."

"Fine," Mr. Edwards stated undaunted. He turned to Clare, fixing her with an icy stare. "But even if we allow that everyone was acting incredibly out of character in that episode, that still doesn't excuse the fact that you told Mr. Martin – MR. MARTIN – that you loved him! What do you have to say to that, Ms. Edwards?"

"What do you want me to say?" Clare asked heatedly. "I'm in high school! I read _Fortnight_ and write bad fan fiction. My idea of love may be a little ill-informed."

"But you NEVER told Mr. Goldsworthy that you loved him on camera! And you** LOVED** Mr. Goldsworthy, with a love that transcended high school - with a love that made the angels weep - with a love …."

"Dad!" Clare interrupted. "I think you are being just a tad over dramatic. Besides, I told Fitz that I loved Eli."

"Not the same! Not the same!" Mr. Edwards shrieked.

"Look, Dad," Clare said, trying to calm Mr. Edwards down, "I'm sure that I told Eli that I loved him off camera. We did date for three months, and that's like seven years in the Degrassi Universe."

"Off camera! Off camera!" Mr. Edwards spit out, spraying a trajectory of saliva. "Clare, do you really expect us to accept that excuse? The truth is that you told Mr. Martin that you loved him **ON CAMERA**. You had a wet dream about Mr. Martin – **ON CAMERA**. You made out with Mr. Martin numerous times – once in a horizontal position—**ON CAMERA**. Do you know what the fans would have given to see you and Mr. Goldsworthy in a horizontal position? To see you have a wet dream about Mr. Goldsworthy? But no! Instead, you cruelly and maliciously shoved your relationship with Mr. Martin in the fans' faces, with no regard to their feelings."

He approached Clare wild eyed. "The fans kept saying that they didn't want Cake! We told you that Cake was making us sick! But you kept shoving Cake down our throats like some deranged wedding planner at a cake tasting appointment!"

Clare looked dazedly at Judge Dawes. "Am I seriously being vilified for making out with Jake and not making out **ENOUGH** with Eli?" she questioned incredulously.

Judge Dawes nodded solemnly.

"For the sake of everyone's sanity," Mr. Edwards broke in, breathing hard, "let's move past _Don't Panic_ -a travesty of epic proportions, the likes of which has not been seen in the Degrassi Universe since Emma and Spinner woke up married to each other and chose to remain so." He shuttered in distaste. "Indeed, let's fast forward to the Degrassi prom."

He turned again to Clare, "Now I thought that dances had been banned at Degrassi after the knife incident with Mark Fitzgerald at Vegas Night?"

"Um… they had," Clare replied. "But, I guess they made an exception for prom."

"Well," Mr. Edwards offered, "I suppose that's understandable. I'm sure Mr. Simpson tightened security and made sure only students of Degrassi could attend. I know for a fact that Ms. Oh was the head chaperone, and I've heard that she keeps the students on a short leash."

"That's one way of putting it," Clare deadpanned.

"Now, Ms. Edwards, you were supposed to attend the prom with Mr. Martin, were you not?"

"Yes," Clare admitted.

"So then was it a junior/senior prom?" Mr. Edwards asked.

"Um…. maybe?" Clare questioned.

"But if it were a junior/senior prom, why was Mr. Goldsworthy forced to go as a waiter?"

"I have no idea," Clare shrugged. "Actually, why Eli wanted to go to a 'banal' school dance, in the first place, I'll never know." She turned to the jury, "And people accuse me of being inconsistent and acting out of character!"

"Ms. Edwards, I will remind you to limit your commentary to your responses to my questions," Mr. Edwards warned.

"Now, before you were to attend the prom with Mr. Martin, you received some very distressing news," Mr. Edwards continued.

"Yes," Clare stated flatly.

"What was that news, Ms. Edwards?"

"Well … um… our parents …. Jake's dad and my mom …. told us that they were getting married."

The courtroom bubbled with revulsion.

"…..horrifying!"

"disgusting….."

"…incest!"

"So let me get this straight, Ms. Edwards," Mr. Edwards challenged. "Your mother was going to marry Mr. Martin's father; thus, if you and Mr. Martin continued your clandestine affair, you would be essentially dating your step-brother."

"Yes," Clare whispered.

"So then Cake really is an abomination - in more ways than one," Mr. Edwards declared gleefully.

"No! " Clare cried. "Jake and I are not related. It wouldn't be incest!"

"Close enough," Mr. Edwards drawled. "But, back to my original line of questioning, what did you do when you found out that your mother was going to marry Mr. Martin's father?"

"I was angry," Clare admitted. "I told Mom that she was moving too fast."

"Does your selfishness know no bounds?" Mr. Edwards cried. "After weeks – **WEEKS** – of loneliness, your mother had finally found someone with whom to share her life. No longer would she be forced to come home to an empty, cold house drunk and giddy at 4:00 in the morning. She would have a family again – a real family – a family to put on a wedding cake. But you didn't care! You couldn't push aside your own wants, needs, and concerns- even for your mother. No, no, Clare Edwards had to share her disapproval because Clare Edwards only cares about Clare Edwards!"

"Dad, you and Mom had just divorced. Part of me still hoped for reconciliation," Clare interjected tearfully. "I was fifteen. I still dreamed that you and Mom would work things out and that Darcy would come home. I still dreamed that things would go back to the way that they were before—when we were all together and happy."

She stopped to steady her voice, "Do you know how hard it was for me to watch you both date other people? Do you know how hard it was for me to reconcile what you had taught me – what the Church had taught me – what the _Bible_ had taught me – with the fact that you were unfaithful and that Mom was coming home tipsy at 4:00 in the morning? And then everyone just expected me to welcome a new man into my life as a step-father because it made my mother happy—because we all looked good together on a wedding cake? You had just signed the divorce papers, and mom was jumping into marriage with another man! Yet I'm the one at fault because I told Mom she was moving too quickly?" Her voice rose incredulously.

"Yes, Clare, haven't you caught on by now?" Mr. Edwards rolled his eyes. "You are the one at fault. You are always the one at fault." He approached the witness stand.

"So, what was the outcome of this marriage announcement?" Mr. Edwards queried.

"Well, Mom freaked out when I told her Jake and I were dating," Clare stated. "She told us that we needed to break up."

"A very wise woman," Mr. Edwards commented. "What did Mr. Martin have to say about the whole situation?"

"Jake seemed… resigned to the situation," Clare admitted. "At first, he thought we could still date – that we could find a way to make everyone happy." She looked at Jake softly. "Say what you want about Jake, but he has a good heart."

Mr. Edwards huffed sarcastically.

"However," Clare continued, "I knew that there was no way to make everyone happy. I told Jake that we had to stop the wedding."

"And how did Mr. Martin react to this horribly selfish, diabolical plan?" Mr. Edwards questioned.

"He said that he wanted his dad to be happy and that it would be better for us just to break-up. He decided to spend the summer at his cabin."

"So he broke up with you?" Mr. Edwards clarified.

"He broke up with me," Clare repeated dejectedly, "at prom."

The entire courtroom burst into wild applause. Spectators rose to their feet in a standing ovation, some crying with happiness.

Clare looked out at them confused.

"And yet," Mr. Edwards continued, waving his arms to quiet down the crowd, "unfortunately, this isn't the end of the story." He paused to survey the jury, before turning to Judge Dawes.

"Your Honor, at this time, I'd like to discuss the events of the episode appropriately titled _Nowhere to Run._ The prosecution will prove that, in this episode, Clare Edwards acted so completely out of character that there is no possible chance of her character ever being redeemed."

Clare's head snapped up, as shocked gasps filled the courtroom.

"Wait!" Clare cried. "What are you talking about? I didn't do anything horrible in that episode."

"Oh, Ms. Edwards," Mr. Edwards laughed. "You are simply too hilarious for words."

He paused to look at his notes. "Shall we start at the beginning? Yes, let's do just that. Ms. Edwards, let me take you back to the time just before the wedding of your mother and Glen Martin. You and Alli Bhandari were in your room, as you prepared yourself for the ceremony."

"Yes," Clare admitted carefully.

"Now, Ms. Bhandari desperately wanted to speak to you about her troubles with her boyfriend, Mr. Dave Turner, did she not?"

"Um…yes," Clare stated. "I think so."

"You think so, Ms. Edwards?" Mr. Edwards cried. "If you had taken two minutes out of your busy life to listen to poor Mrs. Bhandari, you would have known for sure."

"Um… OK?" Clare stated, looking at her father quizzically. "Dad, where is this going?"

"Ms. Edwards, is it true that you called Ms. Bhandari's problems 'pedestrian' and spoke to her in a condescending tone?"

"Well, yes, Clare admitted sheepishly. "But it wasn't a big deal."

"It wasn't a big deal?" Mr. Edwards questioned in disbelief. "Poor Ms. Bhandari needed advice from her best friend – a friend, I will remind you, who had always put Ms. Bhandari's problems before her own, in days past. And yet, this time when Ms. Bhandari needed your advice about a crucial 'boyfriend/texting' issue, you cruelly mocked her." Mr. Edwards shook his head sadly. "I call 'out of character,' Ms. Edwards. I call 'out of character.'"

"Look it wasn't my finest moment," Clare argued defensively. "But my mother, your ex-wife, was minutes away from remarrying. The ink wasn't even dry on your divorce papers. I was still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that the two of you were never getting back together. And, to add insult to injury, she was going to marry the father of my ex-boyfriend – with whom I was forced to break-up so as not to mess up the family dynamic. And, as I was trying to psych myself up to face my ex who would momentarily be my step-brother, Alli starts bugging me about Dave not texting her back quickly enough."

"Yes, yes," Mr. Edwards urged impatiently, "but you do admit to referring to her problems as 'pedestrian' and in a condescending tone?"

"Yes, but I hardly think that constitutes me acting out of character. If you go back and examine my interactions with Alli, I usually make some kind of sarcastic, condescending comment to her high school drama queen ways."

"But, Ms. Edwards, prior to the incident in question, you had never made one of these sarcastic, condescending comments while simultaneously being 'in love' with Jake Martin, had you?" Mr. Edwards questioned with a grimace.

"Um … no. I guess not. Does that make a difference?"

"Does that make a difference? Oh, Ms. Edwards, you slay me," Mr. Edwards laughed.

"I don't know what the big deal is," Clare pointed out, still confused at the turn of events. "This is Degrassi. Everyone makes sarcastic, condescending comments. Eli is this king of the condescending comments. Don't you remember him calling dances 'banal' and referring to me as 'Clare middle of the road Edwards'?"

"Ms. Edwards," Mr. Edwards cut her off sharply, "I will caution you to remember that Eli Goldsworthy is not on trial. Eli Goldsworthy has never been on trial. And, as I live and breathe, Eli Goldsworthy will never be on trial!"

The courtroom again erupted into spontaneous applause which Judge Dawes basked in for a few minutes before quieting the room down with the bang of her gavel.

Mr. Edwards turned towards the jury, "Ladies and gentleman, I urge you to remember this grievous wrong Ms. Edwards committed against Ms. Bhandari, as you listen to the upcoming testimony."

He turned back to Clare, "Now, Ms. Edwards, after the wedding, is it true that Mr. Martin tried to reconcile with you, admitting that he still ….l..lo…" Mr. Edwards swallowed, a cold sweat breaking out over his face, "…loved you?"

"Yes," Clare whispered. "But it was hard enough to get over him the first time. I told him that I didn't want to start anything again."

"Putting aside the obvious falsehood that it would be 'hard' to 'get over' Mr. Martin when we all know that your relationship with him was an empty, hollow sham," Mr. Edwards broke in, "how did Mr. Martin react to your proclamation?"

"He left," Clare stated dully. "He decided to throw a party at his cabin and not invite me."

"Well, really, Clarebear, can you blame him?" Mr. Edwards taunted. "Seriously, who would want to be around a whiney, selfish, condescending character such as yourself?"

"Certainly, not you, Dad," Clare replied bitingly, "since I hadn't seen you since _Umbrella_."

Mr. Edwards whirled around and pounded his fist against the prosecution's table. "But you decided to crash Mr. Martin's party anyway, didn't you, Ms. Edwards?" he cried.

"Well, Bianca talked me into crashing," Clare admitted self-consciously. "And, if it's any consolation, I was really sorry I crashed once we got to the cabin."

"Oh really," Mr. Edwards drawled, his voice high-pitched with interest. "Why is that?"

"Because I found Alli and Jake kissing by the campfire."

Shocked gasps filled the courtroom.

"What?" Mr. Edwards cried feigning astonishment. "Your 'super perfect' BF who made you 'feel good' and wasn't 'emotionally unstable' was kissing your best friend? Whatever did you do?"

"I ran," Clare admitted. "I took off. I just couldn't be there another minute. I couldn't listen to their excuses. I ran off into the woods. It wasn't my smartest move, but I plead temporary insanity in this case."

"Ms. Edwards!" Mr. Edwards intoned solemnly. "Let me make this crystal clear before you humiliate yourself further. The only one who can plead temporary insanity is Mr. Goldsworthy. Nobody does temporary insanity like Mr. Goldsworthy does temporary insanity. No one can even come close. In fact, Judge Dawes is considering changing the official name of the temporary insanity plea to the Eli Goldsworthy plea – that's how much Mr. Goldsworthy owns temporary insanity. I will caution you to remember that." He looked down at his notes briefly. "And speaking of Mr. Goldsworthy, please tell the court the events that transpired when you were lost in the woods."

"Um… well, I got really lost. It was dark by that time and very cold," Clare stated. "I kept trying to get cell reception so that I could call Jake or Bianca to come and find me, but I had no luck. And then I tripped and cut my hand- badly. I didn't know what to do or where to go."

"But, luckily, someone came to your rescue," Mr. Edwards put forth. "Isn't it true that after taking a bus to some random, rural, stop and then riding his bike the rest of the way in the cold, dark, Canadian wilderness, Mr. Goldsworthy arrived to save the day?"

"Yes," Clare said softly, a smile on her face. "Eli found me."

"And you two shared a moment?"

"I guess you could say that," Clare admitted. "He gave me his jacket and examined my hand."

"And … and…?" Mr. Edwards urged eagerly. The spectators all leaned forward in their seats in anticipation.

"And then Jake found us."

The entire courtroom groaned defeatedly and sank back down in disappointment.

"Jake took me back to the cabin and bandaged my hand," Clare continued. "We talked. He told me … he told me that he still loved me."

"God, Clare," Mr. Edwards chastised. "And you bought that? You saw him kiss your best friend, for Christ's sake!"

"He told me that Alli had kissed him," Clare explained defensively.

"Oldest excuse in the book," Mr. Edwards drawled. "I ought to know."

Mr. Edwards steepled his fingers together in front of his mouth thoughtfully. "But let's consider for a minute this new development." He paced back and forth, his eyes alight. "Ms. Edwards, you admitted that you shared a moment – a beautiful moment—with Mr. Goldsworthy. Yet, at the first sight of Mr. Martin, you abandon Mr. Goldsworthy to go off with Mr. Martin, even though Mr. Martin had cheated on you with your best friend?"

"I…" Clare started.

"Let me finish!" Mr. Edwards boomed. "Mr. Martin gives you some inane excuse about Ms. Bhandari throwing herself at him and tells you that he loves you, and you get back together with him? Mr. Martin puts on his sad, little, puppy dog face, and you completely disregard the progress that you and Mr. Goldsworthy have made towards the reunification of EClare? Mr. Martin flashes his endearingly sexy, lumberjack smile, and you entirely discount the two magical moments you and Mr. Goldsworthy have shared since the blessed Cake break-up – and here, I am referring to the moment in the hospital after Mr. Torres was shot and the time in the forest when Mr. Goldsworthy gave you his jacket?" He paused, breathing hard, "Sweet Merciful Crap, Clarebear! How out of character can you get?"

"Objection!" Clare's lawyer called, waking from his stupor. "I'd like to remind the court that Clare Edwards is a teenage girl, and thus, by definition, incredibly stupid when it comes to boy drama."

"Objection sustained," Judge Dawes ruled, thinking fondly of all the teenage girls she had taught over the years.

Surprisingly unaffected, Mr. Edwards switched tactics. "Ms. Edwards, did Ms. Bhandari approach you the next morning wanting to apologize?"

"Yes," Clare admitted.

"What was your response to such a generous request?"

"She kissed Jake. I didn't want to hear her apologies," Clare said acidly.

"Oh aren't we high and mighty, all of a sudden?" Mr. Edwards mocked. "Yet, isn't it true that Ms. Bhandari was perfectly within her rights to kiss Mr. Martin considering that you had so condescendingly called her problems 'pedestrian' earlier in the episode?'"

"Wait?" Clare sputtered. "Are you trying to equate Alli kissing Jake with my choice of adjective in describing Alli's texting problems? Are you trying to say that I deserved to witness my best friend kissing my ex-boyfriend –the ex-boyfriend whom I still wasn't over—because I was snarky to Alli?"

"Yes, Clare," Mr. Edwards stated emphatically. "I think you got exactly what you deserved."

The jury nodded encouragingly.

"Besides, the fact that you still weren't over Mr. Martin is a joke. Seriously, Clare, you dated for three minutes."

"We did not!" Clare cried. "And who are you to judge my relationship? You aren't exactly the expert on committed, monogamous relationships, you know."

Judge Dawes banged her gavel, "Ms. Edwards, as much as I admire your chutzpah, this is the final time I will caution you. Your father isn't on trial here."

"Thank you, Your Honor," Mr. Edwards acknowledged.

He turned back to Clare, "Now putting aside the fact that you broke the fans' hearts by turning your back on Mr. Goldsworthy and getting back together with Mr. Martin -putting aside the horror that the fans felt at the return of the abomination known as Cake – putting aside your completely unjust decision to forgive Mr. Martin for the kiss but not to forgive Ms. Bhandari -putting aside all of that, there is still one appalling detail that we have yet to discuss from this episode." He paused for effect, then spun around and locked eyes with Clare.

"Is it true, Ms. Edwards, that you told Mr. Martin that you 'thought about' kissing Mr. Goldsworthy to 'get back' at Mr. Martin?"

Clare's eyes flew to Jake, sitting in the front row. He hung his head, refusing to meet her eye.

"Uh… yes. I did. I did say I had thought about it," she admitted softly.

"But you, Ms. Edwards, knew that Mr. Goldsworthy was unstable. You knew that he had, what some would call, an unhealthy obsession with you. And you knew that if you had used him in this grievous manner, he could have relapsed and written another play about you."

"I .. I didn't consider that he could have written another play," Clare stammered, shuttering at the idea of a _Love Roulette Part Deux_. "But I didn't go through with it - I didn't try to kiss Eli. I truly wouldn't play with his emotions like that." She rubbed her burning eyes wearily. "I shouldn't have even considered kissing Eli. I was just so incredibly mad and hurt that Jake and Alli were kissing. Just the fact that Alli would have agreed to go to Jake's cabin party, knowing that Jake wasn't inviting me, killed me. And then to see them kissing – I just lost it, I guess. Again, not my finest moment, but I didn't act on that idea."

"Ms. Edwards," Mr. Edwards mused," is it safe to say that you have not, in fact, had many 'fine moments' this season?"

Clare could feel the blood rushing up to her face. Try as she might, she couldn't control the comeback, "Oh, I don't know, Dad, I guess you could say that. But I'm confused. Are you the pot or the kettle in the scenario?"

Indignant gasps rang throughout the courtroom.

"Order! Order!" Judge Dawes called. She turned to Clare, "Ms. Edwards, I warned you."

"It's OK, Your Honor," Mr. Edwards broke in, condescendingly waving away Clare's insult. "I am finished with this witness," he said dismissively, smirking at Clare. He then dramatically turned to the jury to give his closing statement.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, it is clear that the prosecution has proven, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that Clare Edwards has acted completely out of character this past year – breaking-up with the man of her dreams; callously leaving him in the hospital to attend some lame Degrassi dance; moving on into the arms of another man immediately after her break-up; moving way too quickly with said new man; telling said new man that she loved him **ON CAMERA** and in front of Mr. Goldsworthy; making-out with said new man at every opportunity; 'thinking about' kissing Mr. Goldsworthy to make said new man jealous; getting back together with said new man even after he became her step-brother and kissed her best friend." He stopped and turned to Clare, a fabricated look of regret coloring his features.

"The prosecution has also proven that Clare Edwards has consistently acted, in the words of the fans, like a 'bitchy, whiny, selfish drama queen.' She has constantly put her own wants and needs above others' wants and needs– not sticking by Mr. Goldsworthy in his time of need, even though she **PROMISED** him that she would **NEVER** leave him; not supporting her mother's new marriage; not supporting Mr. Goldsworthy's brilliant play; not listening to her best friend's vital boyfriend/texting problems."

He shook his head sadly. "What it boils down to, ladies and gentlemen, is that Clare Edwards has become a joke - a joke who needs a swift kick in the petard or a punch in the face."

Mr. Edwards paused and sighed remorsefully. "It pains me to say it, but it must be said. Clare Edwards has become the single most insufferable character ever to roam the halls of Degrassi, and I am including Derek in this scenario."

Murmurs of assent filled the courtroom, along with a smattering of applause and few emphatic "amens" from members of the Jesus Club in attendance.

Mr. Edwards turned to the judge. "Your Honor, the prosecution rests." He returned to the prosecution's table and confidently sat down, leaving Clare shell-shocked and silent on the witness stand.

"Mr. Public Defender?" Judge Dawes queried.

"I think…," Clare's lawyer rose to address the court, "I think that my client has done an excellent job of defending herself. I have no further questions for her." He smiled encouragingly at Clare, who was still sitting motionless in the witness box.

"However, in closing, I would just like to remind the jury of a few key points."

He turned to the jury, "Ladies and gentlemen, I want to remind you that Clare Edwards is not and has never been some paragon of saintliness. She is a teenage girl – a teenage girl with hopes and needs and desires - a teenage girl with faults and shortcomings. She is human, ladies and gentlemen. She is not, despite all of the FanFiction stories to the contrary, an angel. Thus, except for the sweat lodge incident, in which all of the characters involved acted bizarrely, Clare Edwards has not acted 'out of character.' She stood by Mr. Goldsworthy through his grief, through his hoarding, and through his paranoia. Not many fifteen year old girls, when faced with the **REALITY** of a mental illness, would have stuck around, regardless of how cute the boy with the mental illness was. Yet she stood by him until he **CRASHED HIS CAR **in a desperate endeavor to prevent her from leaving him. She attempted to talk to Mr. Goldsworthy about the break-up – to attain a sense of closure for both of them – but he did not want to talk. So she moved on." He paused to lock eyes with the jury forewoman.

"Yes, the mighty Clare Edwards moved on," he continued. "She did not develop a drug problem; she did not dye her hair blond; she did not become a cage fighter; she did not even start collecting plastic bracelets at the Ravine. She simply started a relationship with an extremely cute, high school boy from a good family. Their relationship was casual in the beginning but morphed, like so many relationships do, into something more serious. Yes, she and Mr. Martin exchanged 'I love yous' fairly early on in their relationship. However, I must remind you that this is the Degrassi Universe. A week here is equal to approximately seven months in real time. And even if this love that Jake Martin and Clare Edwards shared wasn't true love, how can you vilify them for it? This is high school, people! Clare Edwards and Jake Martin did not commit a crime by saying that they were in love. If superficial, high school love was a crime, we'd be forced to arrest three quarters of the teenage population – and certainly all of the students of Degrassi."

He paused here to point at Clare. "Ladies and gentlemen, Clare Edwards is a good person." He raised his hand in a cautionary gesture. "Now, understand that I did not say that she is a perfect person. She is not – no one is - certainly no one on Degrassi. And Clare Edwards has had to deal with some pretty life changing issues this past year: the divorce of her parents; an unstable boyfriend suffering from OCD and a bipolar condition; the public dramatization of her private relationship in a school play; her mother's remarriage; her boyfriend becoming her step-brother; her best friend's betrayal." He paused to look at the jury members. "Can you really blame her for being upset? – for rebelling?—for not always making the right decision?"

"Actually," Clare's lawyer paused thoughtfully," if you think about it, Clare Edwards has handled herself pretty damn well when you consider that she was a fifteen, and is now a sixteen year old, sheltered, Christian girl. Is it tragic that her relationship with Eli Goldsworthy ended the way that it did? Yes, of course. But, ladies and gentlemen, that relationship had to end – for the sanity of both parties involved. Did Ms. Edwards start a relationship with Mr. Martin to purposely hurt Mr. Goldsworthy and the fans? No, of course not. Clare Edwards started dating Mr. Martin because she was attracted to him and because he helped her to move on from Eli Goldsworthy. She did what most people do after a major break-up, she rebounded. Did she give more importance and weight to this rebound relationship with Mr. Martin than it deserved? Perhaps, but, again, this is not a crime. And really, ladies and gentlemen, if it made Ms. Edwards and Mr. Martin happy, how can we fault them?" He stopped and took a deep breath.

"When it comes down to it, Ms. Edwards didn't treat anyone maliciously. She stuck by Mr. Goldsworthy until it became impossible to do so. She was amazingly accepting of Mr. Goldsworthy's play which, at times, completely slandered her character. Yes, she was concerned, and rightly so, that her mother was moving on from the divorce too quickly. Yet, Clare ultimately supported her mother's remarriage, even at the expense of her own relationship with Mr. Martin. Now granted, she didn't immediately forgive Alli Bhandari for kissing Mr. Martin, but Ms. Bhandari was her best friend. I don't think any of us would be so quick to forgive our best friend for crossing that particular line." One of the female jury members looked away, a tear falling down her cheek.

Clare's lawyer began slowly pacing in front of the jury box. "So let's address the final charges against my client's character. Did Clare Edwards think about kissing Eli Goldsworthy to make Mr. Martin jealous? Yes, she admitted that she did. However, she didn't go through with it. She was hurt and betrayed and let a vengeful thought run through her head. But, she didn't **ACT** on it. How many of us have ever thought about doing something that we knew was wrong? Something that we knew would hurt or humiliate another person?" He looked around at the jury, most of whom were looking down, refusing to meet his gaze. "Why then are we not facing charges? Why should Clare Edwards be condemned for doing what we all, at times, have done?"

"And what about Ms. Edwards decision to forgive Mr. Martin for kissing her best friend?" Clare's lawyer continued. "Clare Edwards chose to believe Mr. Martin's excuse that Ms. Bhandari kissed him. She chose to believe him when he said that he still had feelings for her – that he still loved her. Is this so shocking? As I have stated over and over again, Clare Edwards is a teenage girl. And because of her sheltered, religious upbringing, she has been raised to believe the best in people - a trait, for which Ms. Edwards has been praised, until recently. Mr. Martin claimed that Ms. Bhandari kissed him. Ms. Bhandari admitted that she kissed Mr. Martin in her apology to Ms. Edwards. And faced with this seemingly consistent evidence, Ms. Edwards chose to believe Mr. Martin. Now, you may think Ms. Edwards' decision to forgive Mr. Martin is hopelessly naïve or even ridiculously stupid, but it certainly is not out of character."

"What it comes down to," Clare's lawyer argued, "is that people are so disappointed that Clare Edwards and Eli Goldsworthy did not live happily ever after, that they have turned their ire against Clare Edwards. However, Clare is not some 'whiny, bitchy drama queen.' She has not, with one exception, acted out of character. Indeed, she has been acting like a typical, teenage girl who is going through a very rough time."

Clare's lawyer stopped his pacing, leaning against the jury partition, "Ladies and gentlemen," he continued sincerely, "it really all comes down to you. Clare Edwards' fate is in your hands. You must look at all of the testimony presented here- at all of the mitigating circumstances that surround these accusations, and you must **rise above**. You must **rise above** the anger and bitterness you feel over the dissolution of EClare. You must** rise above** the hyperbolic rhetoric that Randall Edwards has tried to feed you. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury**, YOU MUST RISE ABOVE** and declare Clare Edwards **NOT GUILTY**."

He turned to Judge Dawes who was clandestinely wiping a tear off of her cheek. "Your Honor, the Defense rests."

Judge Dawes turned to Clare. "Ms. Edwards, you may step down."

In a daze, Clare stepped down from the witness stand and numbly returned to her seat at the defense table.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury," Judge Dawes addressed the jury box. "It is now time for you to deliberate. You will retire to the jury room until you have reached a clear decision on this case. In the event you do not reach a clear decision, the outcome will be a hung jury, and I will be forced to declare a mistrial. In your deliberations, if you require a record of the testimony heard in this case or wish to examine any of the evidence, it will be made available to you." She banged her gavel officially. "I declare this court adjourned until the time a verdict is reached."


	4. The Verdict

**In Defense of Clare**

**Chapter 4: The Verdict**

**A Note from the Author: This is the final chapter to my little courtroom drama. Thank you for reading it; and thanks especially to those who took the time to review. It means so much to receive feedback; and you guys have been incredibly encouraging.**

**I just hope that, if it didn't change any minds, my silly parody, at least, made people think. I truly believe that Clare has become a convenient scapegoat for all of the disappointed EClare fans (and I am not trying to be disparaging here. I consider myself to be an EClare fan). **

**I think that many fans invested so much in the relationship between Eli and Clare that they are furious that the relationship wasn't given the same weight by the writers. They want to take it out on someone, and Clare Edwards makes a brilliant sacrificial lamb. However, it is not fair. In my opinion, when you compare Clare's behavior to Eli's behavior, it's not Clare who needs to apologize. I know Eli is sick, and I do feel for him; however, he has yet to apologize to Clare for some of the truly terrifying crap he put her through. Personally, I would have been gone the minute my "boyfriend" started yelling at me – the minute I felt like I had to monitor my words so I wouldn't set him off - and certainly the minute he brought a gun to school. Clare's behavior pales in comparison.**

**And really, I still do****n't understand what Clare did that was so wrong. She had the presence of mind to get out of an emotionally overwhelming relationship that scared her. Sick or not, once Eli started getting dangerous –shooting guns and crashing cars -Clare was well within her rights to leave him and insist that he stay away from her. Many anti-Clare fans claim that Clare should have, at least, stayed friends with Eli to help him through his illness. While I admit that would have made a very interesting story line, I have to applaud Clare for setting her boundaries. Looking at it objectively, Clare was the TARGET of Eli's unhealthy obsession; she felt suffocated, manipulated, and frightened by him. She was perfectly justified to remove herself from the situation. Besides, it's hard enough to maintain a friendship after a normal break-up – try maintaining one after your ex crashes a car to prevent you from breaking-up with him.**

**Yet, even in light of this, Clare did try to talk to Eli after the break-up to make sure he was OK. Yes, when faced with his medicated indifference and later his unmedicated, irrational behavior, she rebounded, but that's no crime. People rebound all the time. Despite all the passionate reports to the contrary, moving on is not selfish. And, speaking of "selfishness," when did it become such a major offense for a girl to think of herself first? I know that, in this age of **_**Twilight**_**, it's "en vogue" for girls to give up everything to meet the needs of handsome, emotionally damaged, dangerous boys. But, come on, guys, – enough is enough. Attacking Clare because she didn't stick it out with Eli or because she moved on to a pleasantly superficial (albeit slightly boring and underdeveloped) relationship is going a little far. **

**What it all boils down to is that, somewhere in the past year or so, many Clare fans have been so drawn in by the dark and brooding Eli Goldsworthy that they lost sight of the fact that Clare is a fully developed character who makes mistakes and is, at times, snarky, annoying, condescending, and judgmental. She's certainly not perfect; but she has worth and value whether she is in a relationship with Eli, whether she is in a relationship with Jake, or whether she is in no relationship at all. **

**What seems certifiably "crazy" to me is that fans honestly feel that Clare needs to go through some great ordeal of retribution and a lengthy period of introspection before she can redeem herself enough to be worthy of Eli – to be worthy of Alli's friendship – to be worthy of her parents' love. But then I am certainly no Ms. Sauve. I am just a fan who has spent way too many hours writing a defense of a fictional character. ; )**

**Again, I do not own**_** Degrassi**_** or **_**Law and Order**_**. I also do not own My Chemical Romance (a kickass band!) or their song "I Don't Love You." Listen to the lyrics. I think it is an incredibly appropriate song considering how many fans have recently joined the anti-Clare insurgency. Thanks again for reading! Leave a review, if you are so inspired.**

The camera pans in a circular shot around the table in the jury deliberation room. One by one, it focuses on the faces of the jury members. A few look tense; many look resigned; all look tired. The camera follows the jury forewoman as she stands and makes her way out the door and down the hallway, the rest of the jury trailing behind her. The forewoman pauses before the door of the courtroom. The door swings open. The camera now becomes the perspective of the forewoman, as she glances around the room, her eyes briefly settling on the defendant, Clare Edwards, before moving on to take her seat in the jury box. The camera pulls back into a wide shot of the entire, seated jury. (Cue _Law and Order_ music)

…

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, have you reached a verdict?"

"We have, Your Honor," the forewoman stated.

"Ms. Edwards, please rise."

Clare nervously stood. This was it. Her future was now in the hands of twelve angry Degrassi fans. She frantically tried to make eye contact with the jury members, but none would look her way.

"How do you find the defendant, Clare Edwards?"

"We find the defendant, Clare Edwards, guilty of all crimes with which she is charged."

The crowd gasped, and Clare felt her breath catch in her throat. Her eyes burned, as she bit her lip, trying desperately to hold back tears.

"We find her," the forewoman continued, "annoying, ungrateful, uncaring, bitchy, whiney, condescending, a bad kisser, a bad friend, a bad girlfriend, a horrible daughter, inconsistent, out of character, a promise breaker, a drama queen, holier than thou, hypocritical, an unconvincing crier, cold, heartless, naïve, stupid, and a fashion nightmare."

The courtroom was eerily quiet for a moment, after the verdict was read. But, as the verdict sank in, the spectators suddenly erupted into wild applause. Crying in happiness, audience members hugged each other joyfully. The members of the Jesus Club broke out in a spontaneous, a cappella rendition of Handel's "Hallelujah Chorus."

Mr. Edwards, basking in the glory of an undisputed win, took a victory lap around the courtroom, high-fiving all within his reach.

Unable to comprehend people's unbridled enthusiasm in response to the verdict, Clare sank into her seat and put her head down on the table. She gasped shallowly, trying frenziedly to catch her breath.

Her lawyer, shocked and appalled by the verdict, numbly patted her shoulder. "Breathe, Clare. Breathe," he whispered.

"Order! Order!" Judge Dawes cried, banging her gavel in an attempt to quiet the uproarious crowd.

Once the spectators had settled back in their seats, Judge Dawes turned to Clare with an almost sympathetic look. "Ms. Edwards, it now falls to me to sentence you. Please stand."

Clare raised her head wearily and stood up, knees trembling.

"Although you were once my most prized pupil, I have to bend to the will of this court," Judge Dawes stated somberly.

She cleared her throat and began. "Clare Edwards, I sentence you to **HELL** in the second half of Season 11. Not only will your current boyfriend, Mr. Martin, cheat on you with Jenna Middleton after you have humiliated yourself by offering him your virginity, but all of your friends will heartlessly abandon you. You will become a social pariah - so much so that Connor Deslauriers will feel sorry for you. Both of your parents will start new families, completely ignoring you. Your grades will drop. You will be kicked off the paper. The Jesus Club will refuse to pray for you. You will have to sit by Heather Poulette in every one of your classes, even though she smells like salami and onions. You will have to watch as Eli Goldsworthy moves on to a healthy relationship with someone who is smarter, funnier, prettier, and who owns more headbands than you do. You will develop an eating disorder OR a drug problem OR you will contract a social disease and no one – I say **NO ONE**—will feel sorry for you. Sav will come back to Degrassi for the sole purpose of co-writing a song with Jenna about your fall from grace. It will be inappropriately poppy and upbeat with a chorus about a white horse, but it will be about your fall, just the same."

Clare, who had been able to hold herself together until this last remark, choked out a strangled sob.

"And only when you are broken beyond all hope," Judge Dawes continued, "only when you have crawled across shattered glass, begging for forgiveness for the numerous crimes you have committed against your parents, against your friends, against Mr. Goldsworthy, against fashion, and, most importantly, against humanity, will you have any happy storylines."

Judge Dawes banged her gavel ominously, and Clare sank to her seat, her legs shaking violently. Bile rose in her throat, burning up into her nostrils. She had to clamp her hand over her mouth to prevent herself from getting sick.

"I now declare Case number 422, The People vs. Clare Edwards, closed." The judge turned to the jury. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, thank you for your service."

The courtroom buzzed with activity, but Clare remained numbly seated, eyes glazed and unseeing. The room was spinning, and Clare felt as if she were listing back and forth. She heard voices in the distance, a muddled cacophony of sound. Her father was saying something to her, but she couldn't make out his words. She had lost all concept of time. Random images flashed before her eyes—a hearse, broken glasses, a bottle of Ipecac, a knife, a gold watch, a hammock, a Gothic Tales magazine, a plastic bag of pills, a chicken dinner, a wedding cake, …

Suddenly, she felt herself being propelled to a holding room outside of the courtroom, where she was unceremoniously pushed down on a hard bench.

"Wait here until the crowd thins," the guard grumbled, closing the door behind him.

Clare sat there dazed, her thoughts scrambled. It just didn't make any sense. How could this have happened to her? Before Eli, she was never one of the popular characters, but, at least, she wasn't so despised. Why did everyone hate her so much? Why did they loath her relationship with Jake so much?

She hated to think about the upcoming season – the humiliation, the despair, the emotional pain, the body odor of Heather Poulette. Would she even survive? Perhaps she should make a break for the Degrassi Bermuda Triangle. Maybe she could find Sadie or Leia. Was it still possible to hitch a ride to Kenya with Dr. Chris? She didn't have Darcy's official address, but she did have her new zip code. Maybe Clare could find her. Anything would be better than the future that Judge Dawes had foretold.

There was a soft rap on the door.

Not trusting her voice, Clare sat quietly, praying that whoever it was would just go away.

The door creaked open, and a shaggy, dark head peeked in. "Clare?"

She couldn't help herself. At the sight of Eli, Clare lost it. Loud, jagged sobs broke from her chest in waves.

In one stride, Eli was in front of Clare, pushing the door closed with his foot. He knelt down on the floor and enveloped her in his arms.

"It's OK, Clare. It's OK," he cooed. "We'll get through this. I promise we will."

"N... n…no, Eli," Clare stuttered tearfully, trying to catch her breath. "WE won't get through this. There is no we. There is only me now. I am on my own for the rest of the season." She pulled back to look at him. "But you know what? It isn't being alone that is the worst part. It's the fact that everyone wants to see me humiliated – all because I broke up with you and moved on too quickly – as if there is such a thing as 'too quickly' in the Degrassi Universe." She wiped her eyes angrily.

"I just don't understand it," Clare continued. "Holly J broke up with Sav, the nicest guy in the world, because she wasn't feeling it, and nobody faulted her. I broke up with you because I couldn't handle your mental instability and unpredictable, dangerous behavior, and now I am a social exile."

She furiously shook her head, "It's not fair! Everyone is so willing to overlook Bianca tearing open Adam's shirt—HIS SHIRT, for God's sake- in the hallway of Degrassi and publically outing him as a FTM transgender. They are willing to forget about the time that Owen threw poor Adam into a glass door for using the boys' bathroom and bullied Riley for being gay. But they are ready to burn me at the stake because I told Jake that I loved him and called Alli's texting issue pedestrian! I just don't get it!"

"I know, Clare. I know," Eli said, pulling her close and stroking her hair. "I feel like a lot of this is my fault. If I wasn't so goddamned handsome and angsty, I don't think you would be in this much trouble. I'm so sorry. I could go shoot Julia's picture again, if you think it would help."

"No, it's OK, Eli," Clare sniffed, softly grinning. She pulled back to brush his bangs out of his eyes affectionately. "You can't help the way you look, and I don't think that Julia is to blame for this."

A sharp knock sounded on the door. The two once star-crossed lovers separated guiltily, moving to sit side by side on the wooden bench.

The head Degrassi writer entered. In his hand was a lumpy, brown garment. "Hey, kids," he greeted. "So, Clare, sorry about the verdict. I was rooting for you."

"Thanks," Clare replied dully.

"What do you have there?" Eli questioned cautiously, a look of fear and disgust on his face. "The costume people aren't giving Clare an even more hideous wardrobe, are they?"

"Well," the writer replied, "yes and no." He held the garment out to Clare. "It's a hair shirt made out of all that hair you cut off at the beginning of Season 10. I know we have never specifically stated that you are Catholic, but we figure using a medieval, Catholic object of penance would go over well with the fans. Think of it as a physical representation of your incredible guilt over breaking up with Crazy here," he turned to Eli, "-no offense, man- and moving on to Jake way too soon. "

Clare fingered the itchy garment.

"Oh, and we are giving you a new catch phrase," the writer continued enthusiastically. "What do you think of 'Mea Culpa!'? It will be like Adam's 'Booyah!' or Manny's 'Cuckoobananas' only with added bonus of reminding everyone that you suck and that you are in desperate need of redemption."

"Awesome," Clare said tiredly.

"Anyhoo … I just came to get Eli here. He is off to start a new, quirky, hipster romance with Imogen."

Eli looked up, shocked. "Wait – didn't Imogen stalk me; manipulate me into not taking my medication; lie when she told me that Clare never loved me; purposely expose me to Jake and Clare on a date at Little Miss Steaks; turn against Clare after Clare helped her; and plant my anxiety meds in Clare's locker? Imogen is the number one enemy of EClare. There is no way the fans will go for her as my new love interest."

"Oh, but they will," the writer smirked knowingly. "True, Imogen hasn't always had your best interests at heart and has generally thought of herself first, but… and it's a big but … she has never broken up with you, and she has never told Jake Martin that she loved him. Fans can understand and even support an unhealthy, stalker obsession with Eli Goldsworthy, but tell Martin that you love him, and you've dug your own grave…um," he looked at Clare sheepishly, " …sorry, Clare."

"Live and learn," she replied shaking her head.

"Yes, well," the writer said uncomfortably, "we'll leave you to psych yourself up for the upcoming episodes. God knows, you will need to be strong—but not too strong, fans hate that from you. Bye, Clare."

"Bye." She glanced at Eli, "Bye, Eli. Thanks."

Giving her shoulder a squeeze, Eli stood. "Clare?" he bent down and looked her directly in the eye. Their faces were so close that, if Clare moved a centimeter or two, their lips would touch. "Just for the record, you have always been my favorite character."

Clare leaned back a bit and opened her mouth, but Eli cut her off.

"No, no, Clare, listen to me! Whether you are standing up for Connor; giving Alli a hard time; dancing awkwardly with KC; comforting Adam; playing Juliet; driving Morty; arguing with your parents; or even being lovey dovey with Jake, you are pretty fucking awesome." His gaze intensified, as he moved his face closer until their foreheads were touching. "I admire you, Clare Edwards, regardless of how big your fan base is. Don't ever forget that."

"Thanks, Eli," Clare breathed, pulling back, her eyes swimming with tears. She choked on a sob, turning it into a laugh. "I guess .. uh… I'll see you around, Goldsworthy?"

Eli's eyes softened momentarily before his signature smirk unfolded. "I guess you will, Edwards. I guess you will."

"Seriously, guys?" the writer interjected, a pained look on his face. "Stop before you make me puke. If I would have known that line would be so overused, I never would have written it. And, I swear to God, if you call her Blue Eyes, I will shoot myself. I'm not just saying that. Seriously, I will drive to Bullfrog's house, get his shotgun, and blow my brains out."

"In what universe would I ever call her Blue Eyes?" Eli asked, throwing up his hands in mock surrender.

"Dude, in the last episode you wore shorts and rode a bike – with a freakin' helmet on your head."

"You act like that was my fault. You guys wrote the scene. What – were you high or something?"

"Maybe….."

And with that, they were gone, leaving Clare behind holding her hair shirt.

…

The poignant, opening guitar riff of My Chemical Romance's "I Don't Love You," sounds, as the camera leaves Clare and pans down the hallway of the courtroom. It moves past Drew and Katie, the latter furiously writing up her article on the Clare Edwards verdict, as Drew boxes with the candy machine; past Dave, dramatically telling Adam all about the "action" he "tapped" over the summer; past Fiona and Imogen, passing a blue "water" bottle back and forth and giggling madly at Clare Edwards' idea of courtroom chic; past Alli and Jenna, currently arguing over which of them has been the worst friend to Clare and who kisses better – the angry Bieber wannabe or the sexy lumberjack; past Marisol, smoking out behind a giant, fake, palm tree; past Owen and Bianca, both reveling in the fact that they are no longer "the bad kids" of Degrassi now that the mighty Clare Edwards has fallen; past KC, playing basketball; past Connor who is staring intently at Hannah's boobs; past Wesley who wonders if the fact that he got a hickey from a known criminal will give him any street cred with Julian and his entourage; past Julian and his entourage who are eating French fries. The camera comes to the end of the hall and slowly makes its way into the deserted courtroom.

A single, solitary figure sits in the front row of the now empty room. His plaid jacket is faded and wrinkled. Dark circles stand out starkly under his dull, red-rimmed eyes.

Jake Martin had thought, when he first started developing feelings for Clare Edwards, that she would be his savior. He honestly believed that she had the power to redeem him from his slated role as Degrassi's new "manwhore." But "manwhore" is a fate, he now knows, from which he will never escape.

Shaking his head sadly, he brings his hand up to his face, moving it slowly in a downward motion. His voice cracks in despair, but he forces the words out anyway, "And scene."

Fade to black.


End file.
